Why scars are worth more than degrees

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It has always been said life is our greatest teacher. I’m a believer scars tell a story. I was fortunate enough to earn a Doctorate from the School of Hard Knocks in 1982 at the age of 8. With burns and burn related scarring over 65% of my body, the life of a normal kid was not a reality. The severity of the burns resulted in my right arm being melted to my side, physically impossible to lift my arm over my head. I had to learn how to write left handed to resume my school responsibilities as a 3rd grader. My neck was permanently stuck at a 45 degree angle, impossible to hold my head up straight or turn to the left. To remedy the initial scarring, skin was harvested from both my legs (half my left leg and my complete right leg, all the way around). As I continued to grow and the burn scar contractures worsened over the years, more skin was harvested from my back, buttocks and my stomach and sewn into my neck and arm. I had to wear custom plastic braces on my face, neck and chest as well as a full-body compression suit that went from my ankles to my neck to my wrists for 3 years, 22 hours a day. As you can imagine, I was quite a site. Everywhere I went, kids as well as adults, stared, commented and often turned their head in disgust from the scars with the occasional “ewww gross, look at him.”

As I resumed school, kids affectionately began calling me Freddie Krueger, the burnt serial killer who attacked his victims in their dreams. Little did I know they were helping me become a confident man who didn’t rely on the affirmation of others for self worth. Daily actions like getting dressed or combing my hair required assistance – not to mention my right ear had been amputated due to gangrene. Doctors had already told me I’d never be competitive in sports again. Little did I know they were giving me the motivation to become an All American Triathlete 30 years later. The scars on my face and neck made dating impossible and made the thought of marriage and fatherhood just a fairly tale. Little did I know it was only preparing me to find the perfect woman who’d see me for the person God wanted me to become, not to mention blessing me with 5 beautiful and healthy kids.

32 years later

As I see my scars in the mirror daily, I am reminded these scars will never go away but nor do I want them too. I am reminded daily that adversity is my friend. He is the teacher of life who doesn’t accept resumes or transcripts, but rather personally seeks you out based on your unique qualifications and purpose in life. I am reminded that physical beauty fades with time, but integrity, work ethic and compassion last a lifetime. Although the School of Hard Knocks doesn’t give you a diploma to hang on your wall, it does give you the daily satisfaction that “Anything is Possible” with hard work and sacrifice.

As a father of 5, including an 8yr old girl, I remind myself not to remove their struggles in life. I try to reinforce that their struggles are minuscule in comparison to others and to always be thankful. I remind myself it’s ok for them to fail, because they only truly fail if they don’t pick themselves up and try again. Although I pray they never endure what I’ve faced, I pray they understand our greatest disappointments in life often bring the bring the greatest joys but…we must have the patience and determination to continue on our journey until those blessings come to fruition.

ABOUT SHAY

Shay is an All American and World ranked triathlete, burn survivor with scars over 65% of his body and is a sought out national motivational speaker. Despite being told he’d never compete in sports again at the age of 8, Shay is living testament to “Anything is Possible”: 4x Ironman, 4x member of Team USA, ranked top 1% of Ironmen worldwide and has competed in 9 triathlon world championships, including the Ironman World Championships in Kona, Hawaii. His mantra has always been to not merely be a “finisher” but to be a “competitor.” If you enjoyed this article, I encourage you to check out my other posts.

The power of changing ONE HABIT… I lost 40 pounds, tripled my income, and became a competitive triathlete

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Situation: 30 pounds overweight, working 60 hours/week, 1 income and job in jeopardy, 2 kids under 2, barely “making ends meet”, stress extremely high, “too busy” to work out and often feeling overwhelmed.

Situation sound familiar? What if changing ONE HABIT could alter your life forever… in a good way? What if by changing one habit you could trigger a series of other small life changing events, which in and of themselves seem frivolous, yet collectively they enable you to achieve previously unattainable goals? What if you learned over 40% of your day was comprised of HABITS, performing thoughtless actions, daily rituals?

According to a 2006 Duke University paper nearly half of our day is consumed with actions requiring no decision making whatsoever, just a series of habits that occur like clockwork – completely autonomous. These habits involve everything from eating breakfast to brushing your teeth to exercising to taking coffee breaks at work.  We all agree we’re inclined to be creatures of habit… but rarely do we take the time to evaluate these habits and decide which ones should be modified to improve our quality of life. Make a list of your daily habits and decide which ONE HABIT, just one, if modified, could set off a series of smaller life impacting actions.

In 2008 I decided to change ONE HABIT

I was 34, happily married with 2 small kids but just couldn’t seem to get ahead. I didn’t like the physical shape I had regressed to and my constant making of excuses of “I’m too busy” or “some things came up at work today” was wearing on my psyche.

That’s just what they were…excuses that in turn morphed into self-fulfilling prophesies.   As I looked around, I saw daily reminders others had figured out the age old mystery of time management and GSD – getting shi*@ done. I knew there had to be a better way than battling the clock every morning… scrambling to eat breakfast, saying good morning to the kids, getting a shower, rushing to work… I knew something had to change and it had to involve getting up earlier.

My commitment to changing ONE HABIT began with a gradual progression to getting up at 4am, 2 hours earlier than what I had been doing for the past 5 years of marriage. I understood more than most the key to making lifestyle changes is to be narrowly focused – the brain can’t handle too many changes at once.

I also knew this transition couldn’t take place overnight if I wanted it to become sustainable. Additionally, I soon learned getting up super early and being productive would require a series of other actions, lifestyle trade-offs, to enable me to have balance and a sense of accomplishment.

The smaller actions are essential as they can eat up big blocks of time: going to bed earlier, laying out work clothes the night before, eating dinner before 6:30pm, committing to a predefined workout plan and making sure I knew what commitments I had for the upcoming week.

Baby steps

I spent the first 2 months getting up at 5am and going to bed 1 hour earlier (previously 11pm or later, depending on when I felt I was caught up on emails). With the extra hour in the morning, I committed to using the time for exercise and enrolled in a fitness bootcamp class. Little did I know the instructor, Henry Forrest, was one of the original Ironmen from 1978 and a former Marine drill instructor who would fuel my passion for triathlons. Over the next 3 months I proved it was possible to get up at 5am and not be completely drained by mid-afternoon.  To the contrary, I felt energized and had a little extra spring in my step.  I walked into the office every morning at 8am ready to take on the world.  I had a sense of purpose and was mentally mapping out everything I had to get done to deem the day a success.

As 3 months morphed into 6 months, I weaned myself down to getting up at 4am.  On the flip side, I had also mastered going to bed by 9pm, relinquishing unread emails to the following morning or work day.  I decided to use the gift of an additional hour in the morning as “me time.” 4am-5am consisted of drinking coffee and reading with 15 minutes set aside to pound out a few emails.  The beauty of sending emails at 4am is no one is going to respond and eat up your time.  When they walk into their office at 8am you’re the 1st email in their inbox.  If they do respond, then consider yourself lucky as you have their undivided attention.

The 1 hour of “me time” allows me to mentally prepare for the day but more importantly it allows me to start the day under my terms. 

I’m setting the tone for how my day will go.  I am reading something inspirational, drinking great coffee and training my brain I am more than capable of handling whatever the day will bring.

How does this compare to how you start your day? 

Most hit the snooze button on the alarm clock, race out of bed to the shower, drink their coffee as they drive to work, etc… How can a day go smoothly if it starts off with pure madness? The tempo of starting a day by racing the clock programs our brain for hurriedness and leaves us feeling “too busy.”  If you notice, those who have figured out GSD rarely appear hurried or frantic yet they always seem to have a sense of purpose– it’s as if everything is a calculated movement.

The impact of changing ONE HABIT

8 months into changing my ONE HABIT, getting up at 4am, I was 25 pounds lighter, getting 10 hours of work done in 7 hours and able to walk away from the office at 5pm-5:30pm, allowing me to get home in time to have dinner with my family.  It’s amazing how little things like having dinner with the family every night can have a big impact on your life. I also began using my lunch break for a 2nd workout session and the rest is history. 7 years later I am now 40 pounds lighter, competed in over 50 triathlons in 4 countries – 4 Ironmans, 20+ Ironman 70.3s, tripled my income and the proud father of 5 kids under 9.  It’s a good thing I was “too busy” when I started this journey or things would seem crazy.

Who in their wildest dreams would have thought changing ONE HABIT could impact my life so greatly?

What ONE HABIT are you going to CHANGE?  Do it now and you’ll  never look back.

ABOUT SHAY

Shay is an All American and World ranked triathlete, burn survivor with scars over 65% of his body and is a sought out national motivational speaker. Despite being told he’d never compete in sports again at the age of 8, Shay is living testament to “Anything is Possible”: 4x Ironman, 4x member of Team USA, ranked top 1% of Ironmen worldwide and has competed in 9 triathlon world championships, including the Ironman World Championships in Kona, Hawaii. His mantra has always been to not merely be a “finisher” but to be a “competitor.” If you enjoyed this article, I encourage you to check out my other posts.

The power of FORGIVENESS… Getting rid of the excess baggage and moving on with my life

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Forgiveness:  /fərˈɡivnəs/ noun – to stop feeling anger toward, to cease to feel resentment against, pardon

Scenario: Set afire by 15 year old neighbor’s child at age of 8.  Endured 35 surgeries over 33 years, incurring well over $2M in uncovered medical expenses in first 2 years.

The Power of Forgiveness

I learned at the age of 8 forgiveness is a powerful and empowering tool. There is not a day goes by I don’t look in the mirror and see a permanent reminder of what happened August 4, 1982.  Should I be angry?  Should I be angry my entire childhood involved kids staring and pointing at my scars – or that it still happens today?  Should I be angry it took over 3 years to regain use of my right arm and neck – or that I still have mobility limitations today?  Should I be angry I was left with uncovered medical expenses over $2 million?  Should my parents be angry their child was permanently disfigured and their life was forever altered due to the carelessness of a neighbor’s child?

 

Many would argue YES… we had every right to be angry.  I would argue a right to feel angry doesn’t mean you should.  What does it accomplish?  Would feeling angry take away my scars?  Would feeling angry take away the daily pain or give me confidence to feel at ease with my new self, scars and all?  NO, it wouldn’t do any of these.  To the contrary, it would only make the situation worse.  Accidents happen, whether minor or life changing, and no amount of blame is going to rectify the situation.

Unlike sports, there are no “do-overs”, “mulligans”, “foul balls” or “instant replays” in the game of life.  What happens happens and you have 2 choices. 

  1. Either accept the outcome and make the most of a bad situation
  2. Feel sorry for yourself and play the victim card

Luckily for me my faith and belief in God plays a pivotal role in my forgiveness of what happened that day.  I know everything happens for a reason and that reason may not be clear to me, or to anyone, but it will be revealed one day.  It is that belief that all things happen for the good of HIS glory that I accepted my tragedy and decided to make the most of a bad situation. I can honestly say I NEVER recall feeling angry at the 15 year old or her parents.

I do recall being confused and asking God “why me”, “what did I do wrong”? 

I shed many tears crying myself to sleep wondering if life would ever be the same, wondering if I’d ever play sports again, wondering if I’d ever be able to have a girlfriend – someone willing to overlook the scars and see me for who I am.  Over many months and even years, those tears hardened me and forged my resolve… my resolve and conviction God had a special purpose for my life and it was up to me to fulfill.  No excuses, no self-pity… just acceptance, perseverance and the will to never give up.

“Guess what?  I didn’t give up, I didn’t make excuses and I didn’t feel sorry for myself.” I looked around and saw hundreds of other kids who would die to have the opportunities I had been given.

How did I Forgive?

Hospitalized for 3 months initially and countless weeks over the last 33 years, I have seen my fair share of tragedy.  I have seen kids with no limbs, faces without noses/ears/eyelids/lips, bodies bound to wheelchairs… and yet these kids still smiled and greeted each day with joy and happiness.  I have seen firsthand no one is immune to tragedy – mine just happened to be physical whereas many suffer from emotional tragedy.  The more you experience life the more you realize we all deal with tragedy and it’s what unites us in a common bond.  We have to embrace it, recognize it for what it is and what we will become as a result.  It is our ability to overcome (and forgive) that defines us.

People always ask “how did you forgive her”? It’s easy.  I just say it was an accident and accidents happen. 

I have made hundreds of mistakes in my life and fortunately none have permanently impacted the lives of others. But that doesn’t mean they couldn’t have. I was just lucky they didn’t. It’s easy to look at our lives and be proud of ourselves and our accomplishments but too often we forget about the “what ifs” that didn’t materialize.

Step 1: I realized early the questions and doubts in my life surrounding my burns only impeded my recovery and intensified my inferiority complex.  One of the first steps I did was focus on reshaping how I saw myself.  I knew as long as I saw myself as a “burn victim” I would always be just that in the eyes of others.  Instead, I wanted to be known as an athlete so I focused on getting back to competing in sports. Two months after being discharged from the hospital I played baseball, although I was unable to lift my right arm above 90 degrees or hold my head up straight.  I wasn’t an All-Star by any means but I was out there every game, competing with everything I had. However, 6 years later I did make the traveling All-Star team.  I also managed to become an All American wrestler in high school, an undefeated boxer in college and currently a 3X All American triathlete.

Step 2: I realized my being burned was no excuse for not being successful in life.  In reality, everyone deals with adversity that could be used as an excuse for not realizing their full potential. If I wanted to make something of myself I realized I had to do it, no one was going to do it for me.  I also knew the road ahead would be tough – years of rehab and the acceptance that I’d have to work 5x as hard as anyone to just do what comes natural for most.

I had to embrace success wouldn’t happen overnight and I’d have to measure my success based on my goals – not what everyone else was doing. 

21 years later I married the perfect woman for me and who would bless me with 5 amazing kids.  Fueled by doubters, I also climbed the corporate ladder and became part of the top tier of income earners in the country.

Who would have thought a 1 eared burn guy would be great at sales?  No one would, which is why I’ve been successful.

If you want a life of no burdens, no excess baggage due to blame and anger, forgive those who have wronged you and move on.  Life’s too short to be angry!  You control your destiny and to let others impact your happiness is just crazy talk.

ABOUT SHAY

Shay is an All American and World ranked triathlete, burn survivor with scars over 65% of his body and is a sought out national motivational speaker. Despite being told he’d never compete in sports again at the age of 8, Shay is living testament to “Anything is Possible”: 4x Ironman, 4x member of Team USA, ranked top 1% of Ironmen worldwide and has competed in 9 triathlon world championships, including the Ironman World Championships in Kona, Hawaii. His mantra has always been to not merely be a “finisher” but to be a “competitor.” If you enjoyed this article, I encourage you to check out my other posts.

The power of AUTHENTICITY… building confidence without being the Cool Kid

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Admissions: I AM NOT a model, a tall man or even a man of average height. I AM NOT a great athlete or ever mistaken for one. I AM NOT a brilliant individual nor have delusions of becoming one. I DO NOT always make the most politically correct statements and don’t always speak the truth.

Affirmations: I AM a dedicated, faithful husband and father who is hanging on to his deeply, receding widow’s peak but will never adopt a comb-over. I AM a man who can fly coach with plenty of leg room and proud that I can wear an off-the-shelf Banana Republic slim fit “small” suit.  I AM a voracious reader, smarter than the average Joe, surround myself with people way smarter than myself and an extreme industrialist.  While I inherited no superior athletic genes, I AM one hell of a competitor and refuse to ever give up.  I ALWAYS tell people what’s on my mind, no hidden agendas, and you can believe at least 98.3% of what I tell you.

To be authentic… what does that mean?

Is “genuine” the first word that comes to mind? Perhaps “original” is more applicable if you’re the creative type.  Regardless of your choice, when applied to your moral compass, all words speak of being true to yourself – fully embracing all your faults and shortcomings and having no misconceptions about your abilities.  Let’s be honest, very few of us have what it takes to become professional athletes, fashion models, neuro surgeons or even great cooks in our own homes… and that’s OK.  That’s the way we were designed, with our unique skill sets and abilities, however unusual they may be.

WHAT IF you could suddenly be comfortable with all your defects, shortcomings and general idiosyncrasies and be at ease?  Does it even sound possible? IT IS POSSIBLE if you believe that you, and you alone, have the power to change how you feel about yourself.  People only see what you project of yourself.  If you truly believe you are the best version of yourself, regardless of how you compare to your peers, it will show in your daily walk and people will want to be around you.

Unapologetically YOU

Example: The burn scars covering 65% of my body are very noticeable and people’s facial expressions reinforce that reality. The fact I have a prosthetic ear is also noticeable, especially during triathlon season when I’m slimmer and there’s a ¼” gap between my ear and my face. I learned over 30 years ago my scars were permanent, prompting me to quit trying to hide the scars after spending my entire childhood hoping others wouldn’t notice.  Instead, as I accepted my new self and came to terms with the finality of my scars, I decided to adopt crazy stories detailing outlandish feats of defying death, leaving unbeknownst listeners stunned.

  1. Tossed overboard by a big wave while shark fishing. I survived the shark attack despite the shark ripping off my ear and taking a big chunk out of the right side of my body.
  2. Attacked by piranhas after capsizing my canoe in the Amazon. I survived but nearly bled to death on my 10 mile hike back to camp.
  3. Only survivor of a plane crash in the mountains. I survived but it was a close call as I endured the elements waiting on a rescue party.

*Facebook followers often read of crazy ear antics, even those involving unsuspecting TSA employees in my attempt to give them a little excitement.  

So many people are scared of being rejected by the world for being who they really are.  To mask those fears, they seek to emulate glamorous lifestyles seen in magazines or on TV – changing their wardrobe, changing their hair, getting tattoos and sometimes even changing the people they associate with.  The song “Cool Kids” by EchoSmith accurately describes what every kid thinks…”

“She sees them walking in a straight line, that’s not really her style.

And they all got the same heartbeat, but hers is falling behind.

Nothing in this world could ever bring them down.

Yeah, they’re invincible, and she’s just in the background.

And she says,

 I wish that I could be like the cool kids,

‘Cause all the cool kids, they seem to fit in.”

Should we really want to fit in? Fitting in makes grade school and high school easier but it doesn’t prepare us for the real world, where everyone is searching for their identity (authenticity) and trying their best to distinguish themselves from their peers.  It should be no surprise shows like GLEE and The Big Bang Theory are national sensations.  We can all relate to their struggles and the empowerment they feel by embracing their authenticity with their silent confidence and acceptance of their individuality.

 

Confidence

Many associate confidence with arrogance, pretentiousness or a false sense of reality.  To the contrary, true confidence is a manifestation of being comfortable in your own skin – accepting what you can and can’t do and knowing the difference. Confidence is what allows us to take on challenges even when all circumstances tell us we’re not adequately prepared. Who is to say who is “prepared” until you’ve tried?  Many able bodied and able minded individuals have failed to accomplish great things for fear of ever trying.  In contrast, many of our greatest leaders and change agents overcame insurmountable circumstances because they believed they could and were willing to commit themselves to doing so.

 

I am a firm believer confidence builds from learning and knowing your own potential, an introspective inventory of your strengths and weaknesses.  Who would have thought being burned, despite losing my ability to compete in sports that required “touch” and “grace” would prepare me for competing in sports that rewarded high tolerances for pain and mental toughness.  My confidence grew as I committed myself to more activities where my strengths could be leveraged to create positive outcomes (Ironman, wrestling). Conversely, I also learned to avoid activities where the cards were stacked against me and no amount of hard work or effort will alter the outcome (golf, tennis).  My confidence also grew from learning my greatest weakness (perceived) could actually be my greatest asset with the right mindset.

Example: Being successful in Sales requires the ability to be memorable and statistics have proven that tall men and attractive women do well in Sales…they’re memorable.  Alternatively, I have burn scars over 65% of my body and have only one ear (real ear that is).  People very quickly notice the scars and realize something bad happened.  Most would agree having scars over 65% of your body is not an ideal attribute to be successful in Sales. I beg to differ. How many tall men and attractive women do you know in Sales… a lot.

But how many one eared burn guys do you know in Sales? ONE… and his name is Shay Eskew.  Now who is memorable!

Confidence comes from embracing your weaknesses and proudly broadcasting them to the world.  You may be surprised, but most of the people we look up to have insecurities that will surprise you.  No one is immune to the feeling but embracing it will definitely set you apart from the crowd.

 

It is our authenticity that attracts people, not our ability to emulate what we see others do.

ABOUT SHAY

Shay is an All American and World ranked triathlete, burn survivor with scars over 65% of his body and is a sought out national motivational speaker. Despite being told he’d never compete in sports again at the age of 8, Shay is living testament to “Anything is Possible”: 4x Ironman, 4x member of Team USA, ranked top 1% of Ironmen worldwide and has competed in 9 triathlon world championships, including the Ironman World Championships in Kona, Hawaii. His mantra has always been to not merely be a “finisher” but to be a “competitor.” If you enjoyed this article, I encourage you to check out my other posts.

Day 1: Watching our 2yr old fight for her life… 10 days to be Thankful!

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It is often said you never truly appreciate life until you are about to lose it.

As someone who nearly died at the age of 8 due to being set afire by a neighbor’s child, I can assure you I have a new appreciation for the blessings in my life… the ability to walk, the ability to lift my right arm over my head and just the ability to even bathe myself. Introduced to pain and the unfairness of life at an early age, I can honestly say I have always looked forward to each day with enthusiasm and the chance to make a difference in the world. I can also say:

there is nothing I have wanted more in life than to have a wife, kids of my own, and the ability to give them the ability to see life through my eyes…see life for the daily miracles we are given.

Death is natural and we all know it will take us all one day or another, but we assume it will take us before our children. As a parent, there is nothing more sacred in our life than our kids. There is nothing we wouldn’t do to prevent the suffering of our kids but we all soon realize we can’t take away all the bad things in this world. Instead, we have to rely on our faith to guide us through these moments of despair to help us embrace these soul searching times for the stronger individuals we and our children will become. This Thanksgiving, I am sharing the 10 days of our dramatic journey as we watched our little Stella fight for her life.

Each day brought us closer to God and affirmed our belief that things work out for those who keep the faith.

Day 1: June 10, 2016 (actual Facebook post)

Prayers needed please! Our sweet little Stella suffered a severe seizure yesterday lasting over 2 hours and was finally stabilized late last night at Vanderbilt. She’s still on the ventilator in an induced comma as she also incurred aspiration pneumonia during the seizure. They’re working around the clock with meds to get her lungs healthy enough to breathe fully on their own. We’ve been assured she shouldn’t suffer long term effects and know we’re in good hands.

We’re extremely blessed and a miracle in itself that Brooke was sitting beside Stella when it happened and didn’t panic – she’s always amazing in intensely stressful situations. Also extremely thankful I was almost home and able to be there although I will never forgot the image of my sweet baby laying there lifeless on our floor with EMTs working frantically to stabilize her. As a parent you’d do anything to prevent one ounce of suffering by your kids but you do trust God’s will and mercy heals all pain. Thanks in advance for your prayers. Little Stella is a fighter and we know she’ll bounce back.

Stayed tuned for the next 9 days of being Thankful!!!

ABOUT SHAY

Shay is an All American and World ranked triathlete, burn survivor with scars over 65% of his body and is a sought out national motivational speaker. Despite being told he’d never compete in sports again at the age of 8, Shay is living testament to “Anything is Possible”: 4x Ironman, 4x member of Team USA, ranked top 1% of Ironmen worldwide and has competed in 9 triathlon world championships, including the Ironman World Championships in Kona, Hawaii. His mantra has always been to not merely be a “finisher” but to be a “competitor.” If you enjoyed this article, I encourage you to check out my other posts.

Day 10: Going home…living a Thankful life everyday! Watching our 2yr old win the fight for her life.

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Day 10: Stella Update (actual Facebook post)

We thought this day would never come – Stella going home! Her caregivers have mentioned since Saturday the possibility of us going home today but we knew the pitfalls of getting our hopes up. It seems every day something popped up that warranted an extra day of observation – retaining too much fluids, getting handle on withdrawal, not urinating, body tremors, fever, high blood pressure, etc… Today was no exception. The Doctor this morning told me she’d like to watch Stella for another day or so to make sure she’s ok. Put off by having to wait yet another day despite everyone saying she looked a lot better, I asked “what does she need to accomplish to go home?” (Please understand I would never compromise the health of our children but I do expect reasonable explanations.) I was already leery knowing the conflicting directives we had received the day before (eat/don’t eat, remove feeding tube/don’t remove, take diuretic/don’t take diuretic). I believe I caught the doctor off guard with my direct question – i’ve never been a fan for beating around the bush. Stunned, she paused for a few seconds, then said, “you’re right. She can go home today. I don’t see why she can’t. She’s eating, breathing fine on her own and you’re able to give her all her meds orally…why not. Besides, she’ll probably do better in a comfortable environment.” And just like that we were cleared to go.

The long drive home

The drive home required driving through a stretch of road construction that was about 3 miles. As I was driving I couldn’t help but think the construction was an analogy for our last 10 days. Road Construction is like life in so many ways – no matter how much planning you do to accommodate future growth more changes are always required and you can’t judge the success of the project (road/life) by how it looks half way through completion. As I was driving down the newly laid asphalt I couldn’t help but recall how 6 months prior it was a traffic nightmare – culverts everywhere, construction equipment, temporary driveways for homeowners, etc… Perhaps Stella’s situation was like this road. Perhaps we just completed all the initial infrastructure work and we’re doing the final grading, preparing the surface for the new asphalt. Perhaps in a few months our little Stella will be not just back to normal, but even better. I won’t even speculate on what this could be but the possibilities are very exciting. What if we approached every obstacle, tragedy or roadblock as a growth opportunity. If we did, would we have a different attitude when we encounter life’s challenges? I’m a firm believer everything has a meaning and a purpose. The problem is too many of us are too busy complaining about how unlucky we are to realize just how blessed we are. I’ve seen more than my share of suffering over the last 42 years and realize humans are very resilient and can do amazing things when they have or want to.

Coming home was surreal yet overwhelming. As soon as we stepped out of the van reality set in. We realized we got our wish…we were now officially on our own. No nurse to give correct dosages of meds, no dr down the hall to ask if her breathing was ok and now we had our 4 other kids to contend with. Our 10yr old made a welcome home greeting and had it waiting for us on the front porch. As we starting walking through the front yard our 3 boys came running out in their socks screaming “Stella, Stella.” They were clearly glad to see her. Once we got inside they were all over her, talking to her nonstop, touching her, basically mobbing her like the paparazzi. Strangely enough she didn’t seem to mind although Brooke and I feared a tragic meltdown from sensory meltdown. As the day passed it was apparent Stella had overdone it. She became very irritable and quickly agitated.

Part of our unpacking including mapping out her medication schedule for the next 7 days – including 2 shots in her thigh each day of the blood thinner for the clot in leg for the next 6-12 weeks. The pain meds for the withdrawal require us to set alarms throughout the night to keep the weaning schedule. The medication schedule really makes us thankful this is hopefully not something we have to do forever. Pretty amazing to think there are many parents that do this every day for the rest of their kids childhood. Every time I’m tempted to complain I think of those that would give anything to be in our situation. When it’s all said and done, we’ve had a blessed life grateful for whatever comes our way. Thank you Jesus for answering our prayers and bringing our sweet little Stella home. We know you are just preparing her for bigger things down the road.

November 23, 2016

Fast forward 5 months. Little Stella is no longer on the blood thinner shots and has been seizure free – just a few scares with small fever spikes. Stella slept in our bed for the 1st 3 months while she was on the blood thinners but she is officially back in her big girl bed and sleeping through the night. It also appears the PTSD has subsided. Our first 3 months of follow-up doctor visits were extremely painful as she would scream uncontrollably at the mere site of a doctor, nurse or anyone in scrubs (including her aunt Heather when she came to visit at our home). We still travel with an emergency seizure kit every where we go. The doctors still don’t know what caused the seizure but for now they’re calling it a complex febrile seizure, even though her fever was only 100.1 (they think the rate of the small fever spike could have triggered the seizure).

Moving on, picking up the pieces

As a family we have decided to move on an put the past behind us. We will not live in fear or think we’re just one seizure away from repeating this experience…who can live a productive life like that and what a disservice it would be for our other 4 kids. Instead, we’re focusing on living in the moment and being Thankful for every day we have with our kids. We’re not going to put off the cool vacations thinking they might be better if we wait until their teenagers (went to Yellowstone this summer – best trip ever!). We’re not going to put off visiting friends and family despite always being crazy busy (we will make a conscious effort to spend time with those we care about). What we are going to do is live life to the max, a life of no regrets. For starters, this years Christmas Lights will be over the top (it’s not like every year isn’t but I have already put a few thousand extra out in the yard and got one more 12′ blowup). WE ARE SO THANKFUL this year for all our blessings and pray the way we live our lives is evidence.

To read about Stella’s journey from the beginning, read Day 1: Watching our 2yr old fight for her life… 10 days to be Thankful!

About Shay

Shay is an All American and World ranked triathlete, burn survivor with scars over 65% of his body and is a sought out national motivational speaker. Despite being told he’d never compete in sports again at the age of 8, Shay is living testament to “Anything is Possible”: 4x Ironman, 4x member of Team USA, ranked top 1% of Ironmen worldwide and has competed in 9 triathlon world championships, including the Ironman World Championships in Kona, Hawaii. His mantra has always been to not merely be a “finisher” but to be a “competitor.” If you enjoyed this article, I encourage you to check out his other posts.

Day 9: With suffering comes growth.

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Day 9: June 18, 2016 (actual Facebook post)

Our celebration of Father’s Day today was what Father’s day was meant to be… just kids being with their father. There was no fancy lunch. Instead, Nonna (Brooke’s mom) brought the kids to the hospital and we ate pizza across the street from the hospital while Nonna sat with Stella. There was no getting dressed up in our Sunday best. Instead, Brooke and I wore our daily hospital garb (jeans and t-shirt) and were perfectly accepting of our disheveled look. There was no organized chaos trying to get the kids to pose for pictures. Instead, we were focused on letting the kids interact with Stella to ensure they weren’t overwhelming her. They are always super excited to see her and have a hard time not touching and petting her like a puppy. This Father’s Day was nothing like I or Brooke had planned 2 weeks ago, but we couldn’t have imagined spending the day doing anything different.

 

9 days ago I seriously thought there was a chance this would be the worst Father’s Day ever. I thought it would have the same meaning in our family as 9/11, Pearl Harbor and other days people have lost loved ones –

why does it always seem we lose loved ones close to holidays?

I am eternally thankful that was not the case. It was definitely the most scared I have ever been in my adult life. I say adult life because when I was burned as a kid I think I was protected by my innocence. I really had no clue about the severity of my injury whereas now I fully comprehend what was at risk. As parents, we’d all willingly endure any amount of pain to spare our kids any amount of suffering.

Stella is progressing but we are truly on the world’s tallest roller coaster ride. Just in the last 36 hours we have climbed the summit of Mt Everest and dove to the bottom of the deepest oceans.

We’ve went from watching Stella eat a snicker doodle cookie to being told no food for 24hrs. We’ve went from being told we can take her anywhere in the hospital to being told she might need to be quarantined in the room for 48hrs for a RVP test. We’re elated, confused, hopeful and anxious all at the same time. What we have learned is being an advocate for your child’s health pays off and don’t be afraid to ask questions. We are in no way as smart as her Doctors but we do know little Stella and that counts for something. Ignoring the confusion around Stella’s treatment post PICU, the withdrawal from coming off the pain meds after 7 days is really playing with our minds – especially at nights. As I began typing this update, Stella started shaking/tremoring in the fetal position and her eyes started to twitch. I immediately cut on the lights and started calling her name. Luckily, she looked at me right away and the tremors subdued quickly. Fortunately but unfortunately, Brooke prepared me for this as she had witnessed this unfold several times last night, each time causing concerns as the nurses were wondering if she was having a seizure. Needless to say, I’ll be sleeping next to her bed with one eye open. Perhaps this is our new reality but we’re told this will pass in due time. We can only pray for the best and accept whatever comes our way.

This whole week has really taught me we put way too much effort into “doing something special” for celebration days as opposed to focusing on being in the moment and enjoying the time with loved ones. I’m as guilty as anyone. I always want to do something extra special and make these days memorable. Brooke’s birthday was this past Thursday. I had a few ideas on what to get her and had planned on going shopping at her new favorite store this past mon and tues since I wouldn’t be traveling for work. Needless to say, she had to settle for the Publix birthday cake and adult coloring book (no it’s not what you think) I had actually ordered 2 weeks ago. I felt horrible that on her special day I had no big presents to give her. The feeling of inadequacy quickly vanished when I realized she completely understood and was thankful for the cake and coloring book but more importantly Stella was recovering.

The same thing also happened with my dad for Father’s Day. I called him early this morning to wish him a Happy Father’s Day, but felt horrible I hadn’t sent him a card or anything. My shame was instantly forgotten as we both talked and even just sat there in silence – we were both holding back the tears knowing we both had come very close to losing a child. We didn’t really have to say anything, just “I love you” and “these times will pass.” After my call with dad I couldn’t help but feel a little taller, a little more focused on making the most of every day and never feeling guilty of how things turn out. At the end of the day you can only do your best and those who know and love you will always know you live your life with passion.

Thanks for the continued prayers for sweet Stella. It felt so incredibly awesome to hold her in my arms today and read “Pat the Bunny” nonstop with her saying “again” after each reading until she finally fell asleep. As I put her in her little bed I wanted so badly to lay beside her. Brooke has already prepared me that she’ll be sleeping with us when we get home and there was no argument from me. It’s so hard as parents. We want to hold and protect our children every minute of every day but it’s just not possible. We all know we can’t protect them from every danger in the world nor do we lose that feeling even when they’re all grown up (as every parent keeps telling me). All we can do is just live life and live to the fullest. Eternally grateful for ALL our blessings.

To read about Stella’s journey from the beginning, read Day 1: Watching our 2yr old fight for her life… 10 days to be Thankful!

ABOUT SHAY

Shay is an All American and World ranked triathlete, burn survivor with scars over 65% of his body and is a sought out national motivational speaker. Despite being told he’d never compete in sports again at the age of 8, Shay is living testament to “Anything is Possible”: 4x Ironman, 4x member of Team USA, ranked top 1% of Ironmen worldwide and has competed in 9 triathlon world championships, including the Ironman World Championships in Kona, Hawaii. His mantra has always been to not merely be a “finisher” but to be a “competitor.” If you enjoyed this article, I encourage you to check out my other posts.

Day 8: The end is in sight. Watching our 2yr old fight for her life… 3 days to be Thankful!

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Day 8: June 17, 2016 (actual Facebook post)

Has it really been only 8 days since we walked through the ER door at Vanderbilt Childrens hospital? It feels like 2 months. I haven’t slept in my bed since Jun 9th nor have I had more than 3 hours away from the hospital since then. I’m not complaining nor would I do things differently if given the opportunity. Brooke and I both agreed we needed to be with Stella until she is out of the hospital; she absolutely needs us and we could never live with ourselves if something happened and we weren’t there – ‘not on our watch’ as we like to say.

We have been on the PICU floor longer than any other child surprisingly, witnessing at least 10-15 kids cycle through here while we remained in the same room (3 just in the room next to us). It takes a toll on you mentally to watch them empty out the room and reset it in anticipation for another patient. Sadly, it has started to feel like home here. We know all the nurses, attending doctors, fellows, residents and respiratory therapists. The fellows already know what question I’m going to ask them every morning as they walk us through Stella’s current condition – what is our goal today and how will you measure success? Everybody knows Stella and many have taken a genuine interest in her health. Several of the staff have stopped by her room, even though they’re assigned to another ward or another patient, just to say hello and see how she’s recovering. She’s earned herself a reputation as someone not to bother, she’s easily rattled and no one takes offense. She’s got the fight in her.

However, our residency changed today. Shortly before lunch we were escorted out of PICU and up to the 7th floor. We were thrilled to leave as this was based strictly on her health improving but we knew we’d miss the one on one attention and comradely we’ve built over the last 8 days. I have learned a lot about each one of her nurses and they about me. I would stay up talking with them every night until 4am and then Brooke would take over so I could get some sleep. You really learn a lot about these nurses and I was intrigued to learn why they did what they did and why they chose to focus on children. Surprisingly, there were 2 common themes – kids have much smaller poop to clean up and generally kids are in the hospital because of an accident, not some self inflicted wound like many adults.

Leaving PICU almost bright me to tears. I felt I was saying goodbye to longtime friends. If you think about it, many of them had a serious impact on something that means the world to me – little Stella. Her caregivers watched Stella battle back and they also watched us struggle to accept our new reality. My heart always goes out to healthcare workers as they see patients at their lowest moments in life and very rarely see them once they’ve made a full recovery. Imagine how these nurses and doctors would feel if they could see the long term impact they had on their patients lives. The PICU teams saw us in our most vulnerable state and that is not something I share with many people. It really makes you re-evaluate life in general and question if your daily interactions would be different if you knew everyone’s story. Everyone has a story, some are just better than others at sharing. One of our nurses had 6 kids and we just exchanged kid stories for hours – although none of her kids trimmed her cat with scissors or covered her bedroom wall with Vaseline.

We are slowly adjusting to our new freedom on the 7th floor and excited as it puts us one step closer to going home. We were able to take Stella outside in a wagon this morning and pull her through their little garden. Having her out of the room for just 30min made us acutely aware how much her health had declined. She was exhausted and seemed overwhelmed by all the stimulation. We def have our work cut out but excited we can see the promise land on the horizon. Stella is still battling with withdrawal from being sedated so long but she continues to show improvement. One of the biggest steps she took today was eating solid food. Her first meal was a snicker doodle cookie from #JakesBakes. I tried healthier options and it came down to a cookie or nothing. I ate one with her so she wouldn’t feel too bad about the empty calories.

I can already see Stella’s disposition changing, at least temporarily. She really loves Brooke and I to hold her hand, which I’d do all day every day. I can see us building a unique bond that will unite us even closer. We all have unique experiences with our kids and this one is really special. I still have memories from getting burned as a kid that created a special bond between me and my parents. We love you sweet little Stella and I’m so excited about the woman you’re going to become one day – just hopefully that’s at least 25 years down the road.

To read about Stella’s journey from the beginning, read Day 1: Watching our 2yr old fight for her life… 10 days to be Thankful!

ABOUT SHAY

Shay is an All American and World ranked triathlete, burn survivor with scars over 65% of his body and is a sought out national motivational speaker. Despite being told he’d never compete in sports again at the age of 8, Shay is living testament to “Anything is Possible”: 4x Ironman, 4x member of Team USA, ranked top 1% of Ironmen worldwide and has competed in 9 triathlon world championships, including the Ironman World Championships in Kona, Hawaii. His mantra has always been to not merely be a “finisher” but to be a “competitor.” If you enjoyed this article, I encourage you to check out my other posts.

Day 7: Turning the corner. Watching our 2yr old fight for her life… 4 days to be Thankful!

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In our wildest dreams we would have never thought a normal Friday evening would turn into a fight for our daughter’s life. We would have never dreamed a normal 2 year old, with no medical or family history of seizures, would spend 7 days in PICU on a ventilator. We would have never dreamed recovery from 7 days on a ventilator was just step 1 of a long recovery process, much less that our daughter would suffer from withdrawal due to the heavy sedation and be placed on a methadone recovery program. It is times like these that test our faith and make us question the uncertainty of tragedy and why it exists. Though tested beyond any capacity we hope to never repeat, I can honestly say our resolve has been strengthened and reaffirmed. We do not believe God is trying to punish us or even that He has abandoned us. Rather, we believe it is part of a grander plan to be revealed in due time. We share our journey and hope your faith and thankfulness for all your blessings are reaffirmed this Thanksgiving!

Day 7: June 16, 2016 (actual Facebook post)

At 4am the heavens opened and we were touched by God’s healing hands. Those healing hands took Stella off the ventilator and removed the breathing tube from her throat. Brooke and I were obviously awake as there was no way we’d miss the big event. Now I know how people feel when they win the lottery. We had hit it big. I was already thinking of all the fun things we’d do when she gets home, much like the lottery winners dreamed of sports cars and mansions. I wanted to run and scoop her up in my arms and then the reality of her condition quickly sank in.

She had a look of fear in her eyes and repeatedly kept saying “no” every time one of the caregivers got within 10 feet of her. It was almost comical as she would say “no” even when they weren’t even touching her and just removing pieces of equipment and tangles of hoses. “NO” was the first word we heard her speak for over a week. We couldn’t help but wonder had she been saying “no” repeatedly for the past week and it was just muffled by the breathing tube. After an hour, the magical moment came. I was able to hold her in my arms once again. As hard as I wanted to squeeze her, I was acutely aware of her sensory overload and need to be comforted. I wanted so bad for her to tell me how much she missed us, how scared she was, what was hurting and then it occurred to me she was only 2. But the look in her eyes conveyed everything I needed to know – she was terrified beyond comprehension and wanted nothing more than to be assured it was all over. It wasn’t for several hours later that I would receive the reassurance I had waited for all week – hearing her say “dada.

Little did we know (and it wasn’t that we weren’t told but we rather we had just placed so much emphasis on healing being tied to the removal of the breathing tube) we underestimated just how much more healing Stella needed before we could go home (the lungs were just phase 1). Late last night we started seeing her having body tremors and sweating profusely, the tremoring/body shakes progressing as they continued to wean her off pain meds entirely. The tremors we soon learned were signs of withdrawal due to the large amounts of sedation she received the past week. To add insult to injury, not too long after the breathing tube came out she also had a fever again, immediately triggering thoughts of another febrile seizure. This was even scarier as she could only receive Tylenol (not able to receive ibuprofen due to the blood thinner she was on as a result of the blood clot in her leg). We were informed the fever was another sign of withdrawal and the tipping point for them to officially classify her as suffering from withdrawal. She also suffered severe diarrhea, another lovely sign of withdrawal.

As we starting digesting the treatment process involved with the withdrawal (phase 2), we soon learned of the physical therapy (phase 3) she would need to regain full body functions. We both knew she’d be weak from laying down and under heavy sedation, but had no idea

it would require potentially 7 weeks for her to get back to full strength. Her therapist informed us the rule of thumb is 1 week for every day for hospitalizations such as Stella’s.

It was heart wrenching to watch her incapable of just sitting upright in bed knowing just a week ago she was running through our back yard and climbing the playhouse with her older siblings. We’re not deterred, just another element added to the learning experience. We knew she’d require some time to get back to full strength, but had no clue we were talking 7 weeks. The more time we spend here, the more we realize just how seriously sick Stella really was and how fortunate we were to be at Vanderbilt.

Today was a monumental day and we are so thankful the awful breathing tube was removed. We are so incredibly happy to hear her say “momma” and “dada” and watch her show facial expressions. We even heard her giggle temporarily. One of the more moving moments today was when our other kids came to see her. Our 8yr old son was standing at the foot of her bed and we asked her “who is that Stella?” She quickly replied “Mad”, her nickname for Maddox. Brooke looked at Maddox and noticed him wiping tears from his eyes.

Somewhat embarrassed he was moved to tears, he quickly said “mom, I have something irritating my eye.”

We assured him it was perfectly normal to cry and that daddy was crying too. You’d have to know our son and what a rough houser he is to know how special it was for him to be moved to tears just by his little sis calling his name.

I won’t lie and say the daily regiment here isn’t growing old and tiresome, but we are moved by inner strength (faith) and celebrate the smallest signs of improvement. We know there is an end in near and we will not quit until the task is done. Our hearts go out to those who have similar struggles but don’t have the same assurance their kid will ever get better. We are truly blessed and so thankful for all the prayers. Little Stella is the luckiest girl in Nashville to have so many cheering for her recovery. Her little smile wipes away the sleepless nights and countless setbacks. Little did we know the significance of her name when we chose it 2 years ago “Stella Maris” – “star of the sea”, Biblical reference to Mary. Coincidence? I think not.

To read about Stella’s journey from the beginning, read Day 1: Watching our 2yr old fight for her life… 10 days to be Thankful!

ABOUT SHAY

Shay is an All American and World ranked triathlete, burn survivor with scars over 65% of his body and is a sought out national motivational speaker. Despite being told he’d never compete in sports again at the age of 8, Shay is living testament to “Anything is Possible”: 4x Ironman, 4x member of Team USA, ranked top 1% of Ironmen worldwide and has competed in 9 triathlon world championships, including the Ironman World Championships in Kona, Hawaii. His mantra has always been to not merely be a “finisher” but to be a “competitor.” If you enjoyed this article, I encourage you to check out my other posts.

Day 6: Miracles happen. Watching our 2yr old fight for her life… 5 days to be Thankful!

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6 days into our journey to save our little Stella, we were painfully aware our lives would never be the same. We were painfully aware life wasn’t fair and we had 2 choices… feel sorry for ourselves and play the victim card, or make the most of a bad situation and be thankful for all our blessings. The more I looked around in the hospital, the more I contemplated the miracles that saved her life – my wife sitting beside her when she had the seizure (we had CMA tickets and decided last minute not to go), I was less than a mile from home and not out of town on business, we had a world renown pediatric trauma center 15 minutes away (Vanderbilt Monroe Carell), my sister-in-law working at the hospital and she knew the entire attending staff, my mother-in-law was at our home and able to stay with our 4 other kids, friends taking our kids on play dates and giving them a sense of normalcy, co-workers visiting us at the hospital to take our minds off staring at her in the bed, and the list goes on. This Thanksgiving we are so thankful and hope our journey reminds you just how thankful we all should be!

Day 6: June 15, 2016 (actual Facebook post)

Never before have I enjoyed being still, sitting and doing nothing… until now. It’s not so much that I enjoyed it as much as the feeling of calmness and innocence that it offered.

I can’t count how long over the past 6 days I have sat next to Stella and done nothing but simply hold her little hand, touched her skin, ran my fingers down her arm and traced the outline of each finger, combed her hair to side of her face with my thumb, kissed her forehead, placed my hand on the top of her chest – feeling it slightly rise with each beat of her heart.

It was if she was an extension of myself – our hearts beating as one. I could almost feel her pain, feel her confusion as she tries to make sense of her surroundings, feel her loneliness as she lay isolated on the bed with all the wires attached to her body. But through it all I could also sense a fight going on within her. A fight for her life. A fight to be rid of all the unknowns in life that try to derail us from living a meaningful life. A fight to break the bonds of complacency. A fight to overcome whatever adversity comes her way. I could sense a warrior spirit.

Today I think I’ve truly experienced what I’ve always heard as a kid “this is going to hurt me more than you” (that was usually followed by a spanking mind you in my case). The assessment this morning concluded Stella is definitely making progress and likely to get her breathing tube removed in the morning. To hit tomorrow’s milestone, the doctors outlined a plan to wean her pain meds and do some sample runs without ventilator assistance (CPAP). Stella stepped up to the challenge and aced her CPAP, 2nd test to occur tonight at 11pm. For the first time, she opened her eyes and kept them open for 5-10 minutes at a time.

For the first few hours, she stared aimlessly, unable to comprehend her surroundings but responding to mine and Brooke’s voice. As the day progressed, she began to keep her gaze on us and intermittently would slightly shake her head “no” if we asked her a question or the nurse touched her (Stella doesn’t like to be bothered and everyone on staff is well aware of that by now). It was utterly amazing but also eerily saddening at the same time. Also for the first time, we could actually see the true pain in her eyes.

We could see just how helpless and scared she must be feeling.

There was no misinterpreting the look in her eyes. Our emotions were so mixed – going from elation at having her see our love for her in our eyes and yet instantly switching to overwhelming grief at the terror consumed gaze in her eyes. It was obvious she was trying to come to terms with the large tube in her mouth and throat that muffled any semblance of sound. You could visibly see her choking at times but no sound came out. You could see tears in her eyes but no cries could be heard. Every time she winces with pain, I can feel the tears building in my eyes. I do all I can to hold them back so she doesn’t see the sadness in my eyes. Luckily, these moments vanished as quickly as they appeared.

I find myself staring at the clock, praying for morning, praying for the morning shift of doctors that will remove the breathing tube that is the root of Stella’s pain. I take comfort in knowing there is an end in near. I can see the finish line and anticipate sprinting across it with her in my arms. It may be in the morning but I am also prepared if complications arise and that time is delayed. As I look into her eyes, I can’t help but believe she can truly see just how much Brooke and I love her. I believe she knows she is loved more than anything in this world and that her parents will walk through fire if that is what it takes. Each day has been a great character building opportunity. I am thankful for this experience, and the fact she is getting better, and I know it will only strengthen our family bond. A wise Ironman competitor, Henry Forrest, once told me “the hotter the fire, the stronger the steel.” We have truly sharpened our steel this week. Thanks for the continued prayers.

To read about Stella’s journey from the beginning, read Day 1: Watching our 2yr old fight for her life… 10 days to be Thankful!

ABOUT SHAY

Shay is an All American and World ranked triathlete, burn survivor with scars over 65% of his body and is a sought out national motivational speaker. Despite being told he’d never compete in sports again at the age of 8, Shay is living testament to “Anything is Possible”: 4x Ironman, 4x member of Team USA, ranked top 1% of Ironmen worldwide and has competed in 9 triathlon world championships, including the Ironman World Championships in Kona, Hawaii. His mantra has always been to not merely be a “finisher” but to be a “competitor.” If you enjoyed this article, I encourage you to check out my other posts.