2 Steps to Competing at the Next Level: Helping others & eyeing the end goal

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Competition is something I thrive on and a critical component of my happiness.  I don’t measure my success by being the best but by being my best.  I also choose wisely in what I compete in – picking activities where my abilities, interests and life experiences provide an advantage.  This may be offensive to some but I’m not a big fan of “everyone’s a winner” or “being just a finisher.”  I have nothing against those who do but I feel life is too short to just dabble in things and be mediocre.  If you’re going to do something, why not be great at it.  No one ever says they want to be “mediocre” yet most people pick activities that predispose them to mediocrity.  Even worse, some have the aptitude to be competitive but lack commitment to the hard work needed to excel.  I only pick things that excite me, put a smile on my face, make my heart beat a little faster when asked about my passion…give me a reason to wake up early and welcome each day with a sense of excitement of what’s to unfold. I also choose wisely.  I choose activities that provide a platform for me to excel, a logical plan on how I can get better if I’m willing to commit the time and hard work.

As a die-hard competitor, the two critical success factors I have learned to compete at the next level is:

  1. Help others grow in the sport.
  2. Keep my eye on the END GOAL.

 

A purpose driven life. The power of FOCUS!

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What is your purpose?  What motivates you?  What keeps you up at night wondering what if… or if I do this I can ….?  What gives you the satisfaction of knowing you performed at your absolute best? Is it being the top performer at work, the most active mom/dad in your kid’s school, fastest runner in local 5K, coaching your kid to a regional soccer championship?  Winning and achieving feels great, short term wise, but it’s the satisfaction of something larger – your PURPOSE, that really provides the lasting fulfillment.

Purpose is the higher calling we all aspire to know.  I truly believe I’m here on this earth for a specific reason and I was equipped with certain skill sets and given specific life experiences to allow me to fulfill my calling. Sadly, many do not feel they have a higher calling and struggle aimlessly for purpose in their life.  The big question people often ask me is

How do I find my purpose?  It’s simple – FOCUS!

By FOCUS I mean identifying what makes you happy in life, mapping out activities that will provide you happiness and then articulating what steps you can take to experience happiness.  If you can’t articulate in writing what makes you happy, then you will never fully know if what you’re doing daily is contributing to or detracting from your overall happiness.  Even worse, loved ones unknowingly could be wasting their time and talents pursuing nonfulfilling things on your behalf.  Here are some simple steps to get you started on FOCUSING on what really matters in your life.

1.  Define your passion: This is not to be confused with your career and it should be something you pursue with no monetary consideration.  Pursuing your passion, whether it’s playing the piano or riding your bike, should be a complete escape where you are alone with your thoughts and able to experience complete release – free of stress.  If you can’t narrowly define your passion to a single or a few activities, your life will suddenly become “too busy” and you will always find excuses for not having time for yourself.  Everyone is busy but successful people figure out how to do the things that matter most and avoid the things that don’t.

To be a complete person, you have to take care of yourself and you have to be selfish with your time.  Intentionally or unintentionally, people will rob you of your time and leave you feeling overwhelmed.  Taking care of yourself should be your 1st priority and it will allow you to fully give to others.  My passion is physical fitness.  I truly believe it is a blessing to be able to walk on my own accord and be able to do any physical activities.  As a kid I lost a lot of my physical abilities, some permanently and some temporarily, and I vowed to never take them for granted.  As a result, I carve out 1-2hrs a day for physical fitness and make sure nothing deters me.

Life happens and emergencies will pop up, but you can always find a way to get in some exercise even if it’s only 15 minutes – most recently I was able to do squats and lunges in an ER holding room while waiting on my wife’s test results.  Don’t make excuses and don’t take things for granted!  Refusal to do so will provide a life without regrets and allow you to truly appreciate all the miracles of a meaningful life.  When you truly commit to pursuing your passion, others will see it glow in you and wonder what you’re doing.

2.  Define your purpose: Take a serious assessment of your skill sets, your beliefs, your life experiences and think about why you are here on this earth. Is it to educate and mentor youth?  Is it to build a company that will change the lives of impoverished communities?  Maybe it’s to care for the sick. Your purpose will and should define your daily actions.  If you don’t know your purpose, your daily activities will more than likely be consumed by fruitless activities and leave you wandering uninspired.  As you reflect on the beginning and close of each day, ask yourself “what will or have I done to satisfy my purpose?”  If you can’t answer this question, then you need to re-evaluate what you’re doing every day.

My purpose is to inspire, to love and to pass on my legacy to my children.  To inspire is to help others realize we all possess unique gifts and those gifts may be disguised as a handicap.  Helping others realize their gifts also means helping them embrace patience.  Contrary to what the world teaches, our greatest gifts rarely produce instantaneous gratification but usually are the culmination of experiences over years and sometimes even decades.  As one who seeks to inspire, my mission is to always provide those in despair with a silver lining to their situation.

Trust me, someone always has it worse and I truly believe most of our biggest disappointments are preparing us for our greatest blessings.  

Your purpose doesn’t have to be grandiose or revolutionary. However small or large your purpose, it will provide clarify to your life and give you a sense of accomplishment money can’t buy.  Once you articulate and pursue your purpose, you will see others wanting to become a part of your journey and offering their resources to help you become successful.  There’s a lot of truth to people always saying they’ve received helping hands when they needed it most.

3. Define an action plan: We all agree a business can’t be successful without a business plan. We all make vacation plans before we get in the car and head off to our favorite vacation spot.  How many competitive athletes have specific training plans to help them achieve their goals?  Hint…all of them.  But how many of us have a specific plan on achieving our purpose and pursuing our passion? Is not pursuing our passion and fulfilling our purpose the most important things in life? If so, then shouldn’t we take the time to carefully map out a plan to make them happen?

  If you don’t take the time to identify the steps to help you achieve purpose you will confuse being busy with being productive.

Action without direction is wasted time.  I not only espouse this but I live it. My passion is to be ranked Top 1% of Ironman 70.3 ranked 40-44 males in the World.   I knew being ranked within the top 1% wouldn’t just happen without a specific action plan.  To make my goal a reality, I hired a coach (a former Ironman 70.3 World Champion), designated 12-15 hours a week for training outside of my family/work commitments and decided what things I was willing to give up (i.e. tv) and what things I would never give up (time with my kids).  My commitment, my passion and my sense of purpose has made this goal not only a reality but a life changer…I am redefining what I thought was possible.

In a world where we are constantly bombarded with distractions (tv, social media, emails), it is easy to lose sight of the task at hand, things that can actually positively impact our life.  Sadly, most people aren’t even aware they’re distracted because they never had a clear cut plan to start with.  They are simply wanderers, hoping their purpose in life will one day be revealed to them.  In the meantime, they will just do as others do – wake up every day and do what they did the previous day in hopes it will bring a sense of purpose and fulfillment.  To their surprise, each day brings the same ambiguity and lack of purpose.  Don’t’ settle for a life without purpose!  You owe it to yourself and to your family to be all that you were designed to be.

ABOUT SHAY

Shay is an All American and World ranked triathlete, burn survivor with scars over 65% of his body and is a sought out national motivational speaker. Despite being told he’d never compete in sports again at the age of 8, Shay is living testament to “Anything is Possible”: 4x Ironman, 4x member of Team USA, ranked top 1% of Ironmen worldwide and has competed in 9 triathlon world championships, including the Ironman World Championships in Kona, Hawaii. His mantra has always been to not merely be a “finisher” but to be a “competitor.” If you enjoyed this article, I encourage you to check out my other posts.

3 reasons why miracles happen. Why I’m a BELIEVER!

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How many of us as a kid looked around at others and said, “Man, they are so lucky.  Things just always seem to work out for them.” You wanted to know their secret for success but you could never crack the code. You just couldn’t put the pieces together… always missing that one main ingredient. As adults, many of us are saying that even more as we look around at our peers or neighbors. We feel like we’re doing everything we need to be doing but somehow we’re just not experiencing the greater things life has to offer. Oddly, as we take stock of those that seem to have really figured life out, their “calling” as we say, if often times is those we dismissed or overlooked in high school, and even college. As we look at where they’re at in life,

we can’t help but scratch our heads and wonder what the heck are they doing that we’re not doing.

I can’t attest for them personally but I can share what I’m doing and what has been a complete game changer.  Some may dismiss it as hogwash, late bloomer syndrome or placebo effect, but I think the results speak for themselves and quite honestly I don’t care what others think.

  1. I believe in miracles and expect them to happen.
  2. I expect miracles to happen daily.
  3. I have the faith to support my belief in miracles.

We have all heard about miracles but sadly not all of us believe in them.  The scientific community is working feverishly to debunk every miracle known to man and there are tons of websites devoted to disproving what many of us hold sacred and dear to our core beliefs.  Why is that?  Why do some commit their sole existence to proving there is a logical and explainable reason for every daily action?  Imagine if they committed the same energy to proving majestic things happen every single minute without our knowledge that impact the lives of millions – and have since the dawn of time.  Imagine how the daily lives of people would be changed if they knew the great things in their life were not always their own doing?

Do you think your life would be different if you believed miracles happened daily and your faith in that belief would change your life forever?

I expect miracles to happen

I believe in miracles and as a believer I expect them to happen.  As a believer, I realize miracles in my life happen without my knowledge and often times those miracles produce unfathomable outcomes 5, 10 or even 20 years later in my life.  Just because I don’t see immediate results I don’t quit believing.  Who would have ever thought a severely disfigured 8 year old would marry a beautiful God loving woman and have 5 amazing kids?  Who would have thought a child who was told he would never play sports again would have the chance to compete in 7 triathlon World Championships and finish 21st in the World?  Who would have thought a kid driving a dump truck for a living and waiting tables would one day be in the top 2% of US income earners?  It’s nothing short of a miracle.  It happened because I believed it would happen and committed to the hard work to make it possible.  I am also smart enough to know I didn’t do it on my own.  It was all part of God’s plan…the ‘coincidental’ encounters with those that have had significant impacts on my life were no coincidence.

Not only do I expect miracles to happen, and my life experiences have reaffirmed their existence, I also expect them to happen daily.  Daily miracles take on a different meaning and not all, in and of themselves, are life changing.  So many of these daily miracles have minimal impact to my weekly or even annual actions, but their accumulation have a profound effect on my total quality of life and well-being.  In my mind, waking up every day excited to take on the world and go to work is a miracle.  I can’t tell you how of my friends dread weekday mornings and the thought of punching the clock another day.  I think going to bed a happily married man and proud father of 5 is an absolute miracle.

As a kid whose parents were divorced when I was 4, I have an unbelievable appreciation of what it takes to make a marriage work and I know it takes a lot of work… and a commitment to do whatever it takes to make it work and refusal to ever give in just because times are tough.

Lastly and most importantly, miracles are nothing without faith.  In today’s world so many are quick to take personal accountability for their own success.  They truly believe they have gotten where they are in life through their own hard work and intelligence.  For me, I trust in God’s plan for my life and have finally learned to embrace His plan…committing to it 110% even though it may seem counter to what most call logical.  Let’s be honest, those that really make it in life are known for breaking the norm, walking to the beat of a different drummer.  I can’t think of a better drummer to march to personally. Can you?

For years I only asked for His help when I was in a true bind.  I thought it was selfish for me to pray for success.  Who taught me that?  Where did I ever hear you couldn’t be successful and not love God?  The two are not mutually exclusive.  Sadly, many lost their way once they accumulated success, forgetting their roots and how they rose to the top of the corporate ladder.  But not all have.  There are many great examples of Christian leaders who incorporated stewardship into their business success plan. Who doesn’t know the story of Truett Cathy, founder of Chick-fil-a; a man who in 70 years has never been open on Sundays so his employees could attend church and spend time with his families. I often times wish Chick-fil-a was open on my way home from church but I think God is using Truett as a reminder for me to never forget who bestowed my blessings.

I truly believe God wants us to use our talents and gifts to experience happiness, which hopefully is a by-product of success.  I think those that realize their success comes through their God given gifts have a greater appreciation of their success and use their success to improve the lives of others.

ABOUT SHAY

Shay is an All American and World ranked triathlete, burn survivor with scars over 65% of his body and is a sought out national motivational speaker. Despite being told he’d never compete in sports again at the age of 8, Shay is living testament to “Anything is Possible”: 4x Ironman, 4x member of Team USA, ranked top 1% of Ironmen worldwide and has competed in 9 triathlon world championships, including the Ironman World Championships in Kona, Hawaii. His mantra has always been to not merely be a “finisher” but to be a “competitor.” If you enjoyed this article, I encourage you to check out my other posts.

Persistent or Pest? How your greatest assets can become your greatest weakness

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A wise man once told me ‘your greatest assets in life can also be your greatest weakness.’ Wait a minute that was actually me that said that after battling with a series of setbacks.  I was taught at an early age to build on your strengths and leverage them with every opportunity.  What I didn’t know then, and something I still battle with today, is that like all things in life, strengths are best used as a situation demands.  One size doesn’t fit all and not every situation demands petal to the metal, I’m going to run through brick walls mentality.  Maybe that’s why my dating life was nonexistent.  Like so many things in my life, I never grasped the concept of,

patience is a virtue and it will never hurt you.

To the contrary, I truly believed you approach every situation (sports, school or dating) with all the energy and passion you could muster, no 2nd chances so give it everything you got.

One of my greatest virtues has always been my persistence, my refusal to give up when everything suggests I should.  I would not trade this virtue for anything for without it my life would surely not have been as colorful as it has been.  Almost everything I hold near and dear in my life didn’t come easy.  My wife of 12 years is attributed to my refusal of never taking no for an answer.  Luckily, my persistence won her over and allowed her to see the deeper me.  She claims I wore her down but the results speak for themselves.  Want to talk about my career?  Hearing the word ‘no’ is a daily occurrence in sales.  Luckily, I know people don’t really mean ‘NO’, they just mean ‘not right now but please follow up in 4-6 weeks when I have time to evaluate the value of your services.’  You can’t convince me that is not what they’re thinking. For some reason, the word NO is just easier for some to say than others and I understand their challenge. I don’t take it personally.  I can honestly say the client relationships I have enjoyed the most are the ones that required years to materialize.  There is a lot of truth to us valuing things more that don’t come easily (this doesn’t apply to anyone currently reviewing one of my contracts).

Marriage, fatherhood and my career have reinforced ‘everything is good in moderation.’  I am constantly self-monitoring my actions to insure I’m persistent without being a pest.  Just because I monitor doesn’t mean I don’t cross the line.  When I tiptoe over the line, I jump back quickly and beg for forgiveness.  I have to remind myself daily everyone doesn’t wake up at 4am excited about their work day or on fire to see what they can get done in a day.  Everyone doesn’t set personal goals and measure success by fulfilling their dreams.  We are all programmed and wired differently and thank God for that.  I’m not sure if I’d enjoy hanging out with myself 24hrs a day on a weekly basis, much less 10 others just like me.   Just ask my wife when she is so lucky as to be woken up at 4am by my alarm and I sweetly whisper in her ear,

are you going to make a difference today.

I won’t repeat the expletives that quickly follow, but it’s safe to say it’s not “thank you honey for those words of motivation.”  I understand why she probably wants to strangle me and I know she would do it with love.  Trust me, I’m smart enough to never do this on back to back days and I’m always safely out of her reach.  The fact we have 5 kids is a testament she doesn’t hold my persistent/pest behavior against me.

In retrospect, I think people who know me and my story appreciate my persistence and how it has played a major part in who I am. Others however, may initially perceive me as pushy or aggressive.  It’s a fine line when you know what you want in life and you know your calling.

Would you act differently if you knew your life calling and knew what needed to be done to be successful?

It’s hard to undo or temper years of being told you could never do something and then spending every waking hour to prove them wrong – to which I always did even though it may have taken 1, 5 or even 20 years.  It’s hard to ignore my gut instincts to push harder when times get challenging as I did all those years of physical rehab when I was told I’d never play competitive sports again.  How do you know when or how much?  It’s simple. Time and experience. Both are great teachers and reward those who listen. For me, it’s a constant battle and one that requires constant monitoring. I am constantly looking for feedback on interactions and subtle hints to cool the jets, “easy Tiger” as we say.

My journey the last 33 years as a burn survivor has taught me not every situation demands a hammer even though at first glance the problem appears to be a nail.  I have learned to assess the situation, reflect on my experiences, and know when to use the hammer and when to use the wrench.

I think we all need to be mindful of our strengths and recognize they can be a weakness if not monitored and applied as a situation demands.  As a wise man once said, “our greatest strengths can be our greatest weakness”.

ABOUT SHAY

Shay is an All American and World ranked triathlete, burn survivor with scars over 65% of his body and is a sought out national motivational speaker. Despite being told he’d never compete in sports again at the age of 8, Shay is living testament to “Anything is Possible”: 4x Ironman, 4x member of Team USA, ranked top 1% of Ironmen worldwide and has competed in 9 triathlon world championships, including the Ironman World Championships in Kona, Hawaii. His mantra has always been to not merely be a “finisher” but to be a “competitor.” If you enjoyed this article, I encourage you to check out my other posts.

3 attributes of successful people. Having nothing is the best formula!

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There is a lot of truth to how can you appreciate success if you never felt failure and how can you appreciate victory if you never felt defeat.   There is extensive research documenting some of the greatest success stories were and continue to be motivated by the drive to overcome status quo, which for many was rock bottom.  Our country was built on this premise and it’s what defined us as a nation.  People came to this great nation in search of an opportunity to prove themselves, with no assurances other than a chance at a clean start.   Somewhere over the evolution of time we have come to believe pain, suffering and even sacrifice are something to be avoided.  The game of life rewards those who accept adversity and use it as motivation to be successful. In most success stories, you will find common themes:

  1. Adversity. Hunger for a change. Realization the current situation won’t achieve their goals.
  2. Opportunity. Recognition of life changing situations. Belief hard work pays off.
  3. Charity. Understanding life is bigger than just themselves. Recognition we all had help.

Adversity

Adversity is a common thread uniting us all.  Pain and the desire to remove it is one of the greatest motivators for changing behavior and habits.  People don’t change without a reason or motivator.  They change because their current situation is painful and/or not in alignment with their goals – whether they’re living paycheck to paycheck or they need to lose 50lbs.  Never was adversity more evident than in early industrialists such as Andrew Carnegie who started out as a poor Scottish immigrant and later amassed over $330B (inflation adjusted).  Our lifetime has witnessed the building of a media empire by Oprah Winfrey, molested as a child and so impoverished that she wore dresses made of potato sacks.  Hard to imagine this 13 year old runaway would later amass a fortune valued at $2.7B.  Imagine a life without the contributions of a poor Brooklyn housing child Howard Schultz, the son of a truck driver, who would later bring the Starbucks experience of $3 gourmet coffees and $4 lattes to over 16,000 locations worldwide. These stories of success were fueled by passion…passion to escape the hardships of their life and redefine the status quo.  Had Andrew, Oprah or Howard (insert hundreds of rags to riches stories) been born with a silver spoon, I am confident we would not know their names.

Opportunity

Opportunistic is a word you will never find in any MBA curriculum but it is the cornerstone of every entrepreneur’s success story.  From my early days working in the Venture Capital industry I will never forget the wisdom of our managing principal,

“Our investments in startup companies are largely based on the executive leadership team and their ability to deal with the inevitable hard times.  Ideally, these companies should have owners who have experienced losing it all and perhaps even more than once.”

The statement caught me off guard as I had always been taught to align yourself with winners.  But what I didn’t know at 24 was that most winners in corporate America have experienced their fair share of losses and were able to leverage those experiences into success.  As is true in most of life, sometimes the biggest key is knowing what not to do.  The management teams we targeted were opportunistic…continually putting themselves in situations where they would either make it big or fail.  After a few of those make it or break it experiences, they learned the critical paths to success.  Some of our greatest entrepreneurs spent a lifetime refining their success model.  Look at the story of Ray Kroc, founder of McDonalds.  After losing his marriage and nearly the entire franchise, Ray finally realized the real money in franchising was in controlling the real estate.

Or look at Henry Ford, father of the assembly line and mass production.  It was Ford’s commitment to lowering costs that jump started the concept of automobiling, allowing the common person to experience the luxury of automobile ownership (in 8 years, price dropped from $21,650 to $7,020 – CPI adjusted).  However, many aren’t aware it was his machine apprenticeship training him to take over the family farm that provided the exposure to the Westinghouse portable steam engine and jump started his career.  Ford and Kroc realized opportunity when they saw it and had the perseverance to stay the course even when times got tough.

Charity

Being Charitable is a responsibility that often develops as a byproduct of success.  Some go into business with a passion for a greater good but many give back as a result of the help they’ve received in their rise to the top.  Regardless of acknowledgement, every successful person has been the recipient of generosity and unwarranted help, whether it be the 1st job we were unqualified to get or a teacher/coach investing extra time in us as they saw something special. Giving back is in vogue and at an all-time high, even garnishing such prestigious titles as “NFL Walter Payton Man of the Year Award”.  The story of NFL All Pro Warrick Dunn, whose mother was gunned down by 3 armed robbers while a senior in high school, is truly inspiring.  Despite losing his mother and suddenly forced to provide for his 5 younger siblings, Dunn started his Homes for the Holidays charity immediately upon being drafted into the NFL to honor his mother.  His program has assisted over 115 single mother families attain home ownership.  It is my opinion that those who have experienced great adversity are often the biggest contributors to society through their stewardship.  The generosity of Dunn, Carnegie and Winfrey are nothing short of awe inspiring.

As you map out your path to greatness see how you measure up to the 3 big attributes.  We all face adversity, just in different ways – some physical, some emotional and some spiritual.  We all have access to life changing opportunities; many of us just don’t recognize them when we see them or we’re scared of the hard work and lack of certainty.  Lastly, charity is something we are all capable of whether it be time or talents.  It has been my personal experience the more I give of myself, the more blessings I receive.  A giving heart doesn’t require a big checkbook, just a commitment to make a difference in the lives of others.

ABOUT SHAY

Shay is an All American and World ranked triathlete, burn survivor with scars over 65% of his body and is a sought out national motivational speaker. Despite being told he’d never compete in sports again at the age of 8, Shay is living testament to “Anything is Possible”: 4x Ironman, 4x member of Team USA, ranked top 1% of Ironmen worldwide and has competed in 9 triathlon world championships, including the Ironman World Championships in Kona, Hawaii. His mantra has always been to not merely be a “finisher” but to be a “competitor.” If you enjoyed this article, I encourage you to check out my other posts.

Pick a destination. Setting goals, and the power of preparing for success

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The old saying, “failure to prepare, prepare to fail” has never been truer. For some reason, people always think opportunities for greatness or achieving a life dream come with “save the date” invitations. The opposite is the norm. Opportunities of greatness are only realized by those who have done the hard work, those who have prepared themselves mentally and physically. Hard work alone doesn’t guarantee success, but it sure doesn’t hurt. True to what Zig Ziglar espoused, if you want to go on vacation, you must have a destination in mind. And…if you’re taking a vacation, you better pack accordingly if you actually want to enjoy the vacation. How many people make a list of what to pack for their vacation and how many start packing days ahead? Imagine if you applied your vacation planning thoroughness to every aspect of your life?

Pick a destination and start preparing accordingly.

I’m a believer we should dream BIG, but obviously within some level or reasonability. As a man 5’7” (I used to claim 5’8” before I got married but the extra 1” seems insignificant now) with no vertical leaping ability, aspirations of being a pro basketball player are not in the cards.

However, nothing is keeping me from being a top 1% world ranked Ironman triathlete but my commitment to get better. To that point, I have now engaged a premier coach and mapped out my training/racing plan for 2015 to get me there. With my destination set, I have made my packing list and starting preparing for the trip of a lifetime.

Sadly, most people sell themselves short and set minimal expectations, limiting their achievements before they even wake up every day. People are scared to DREAM BIG for fear they will come up short. When I ask people about doing an Ironman they quickly say “no way I could ever do one of those.” I then say “how do you know, have you tried?” To which they always so “no, but …” I then walk them through 2 simple questions to illustrate my point. “If we met tomorrow morning, could you run/walk for 20 minutes? I don’t care about speed, could you do it?” They always answer yes. With them engaged, I then say “After tomorrow’s workout, if we meet the next day, could you ride your bike 30 minutes? Again, I don’t care about speed, could you do it?” They of course answer yes. I then look at them assuredly and say “guess what? In 30 weeks of doing this workout, you’d be an Ironman?” It’s 100% true and true about life in so many ways.

How many opportunities do we shy away from because we simply can’t fathom how we could ever do something so extreme. Low expectations arise from 2 deficiencies:

  1. Inability to articulate clear and precise daily, weekly and monthly goals that will help them achieve their goals.
  2. Inability to embrace the building process, the slow accrual of skill sets over a period of time that collectively are game changers.

When asked what their goals in life are, so many reply “make a lot of money, be happy, be a great parent, etc…” These are great but extremely generic and amorphous. Without specific goals to quantify what is a lot of money or how will I know if I’m happy or what is the determination for being a great parent, we will lack our sense of purpose and aimlessly pursue activities that don’t put us in a position to achieve our goals.

Specific goals are necessary and give us satisfaction our daily efforts are producing targeted results. For example, one could say making a lot of money means: have no debt, able to set aside 5% of my paycheck for retirement, able to take 3 family vacations a year and have $ set aside for emergencies. For measuring happiness, one could say: wake up every morning excited about going to work, exercise 30 minutes daily, smile when I see myself in the mirror or witness family and friends laugh when in my presence. Being a great parent is harder to quantify as it requires a longer term mindset and you may not see the outcome of your actions until they reach adulthood. But, you could measure your influence based on your ability to: say “I love you very much” to your kids at least once a day, spend at least 10 hours of quality time each week with them, help them achieve big milestones each year – riding a bike, hitting a softball or simply their willingness to talk openly with you about challenges they’re facing. If you don’t have goals, you will always be waiting on the affirmation of others as a scorecard. Trust me, I use my scorecard as the scorecards of others can be a recipe for failure.

My Big Hairy Audacious Goal

In 2008, I set a bigger than life goal of competing in the Ironman World Championships in Kona, Hawaii – the World’s hardest one day endurance event. 90,000 athletes compete annually for the coveted 1900 slots to swim 2.4 miles in the Pacific Ocean, then bike 112 miles in 40+ mph crosswinds only to then run 26.2 miles through a scorching lava field. Entry into the BIG DANCE in Kona required finishing top 3 in your age group at a branded Ironman event. Despite training year around for the past 4 years and getting into the best shape of my life, I came up short in my targeted qualifying race in May 2012. Everything that could have went wrong, went wrong. When I say everything, I mean everything: altitude sickness – migraines every day for 4 days straight, chain dropped at mile 5 on the bike course, loss of 2 critical water bottles at mile 10 on the bike – contained essential calories and electrolytes needed to maintain targeted pace, aero bars rotated down to front wheel when crossing a cattle guard and then culminating in severe dehydration when I started the run – urinating blood before I even started running the marathon on the world’s hardest Ironman marathon course. But guess what, I still finished the race, albeit 1 hour off my targeted finish time. I gave it everything I had and have no regrets. I even managed to get a big smooch from my wife at mile 14 on the run. In times like those you make the best of a bad situation and tell yourself it’s preparing you for something bigger.

Well that something bigger came just 2 weeks later. Ironman announced a new contest called “Kona Inspired,” a contest where a nationwide voting would select the 6 most inspiring stories to compete at the Ironman World Championship. When I learned of the contest, I immediately sat down with my wife, who is often regarded as a saint for putting up with me and our 5 kids under 9, and said “are you on board with me doing this contest because you know me better than anybody? If I do this, I’m in it to win it and I’m going to do everything to make it happen.” Without hesitation she said “yes, of course. This has always been your dream and I’m not going to prevent you from achieving your dream.” Great answer, couldn’t have said it better but trust me, if there’s one thing I learned early, it’s to get the full support and buy-in of your team (i.e. wife and kids) before you commit to anything life changing. Something told me “this is it, my one shot.” With no assurances whatsoever that I’d win, I started training with the conviction I was going to compete in the World Championship in just 4 months. To quote Eminem, I had “just one shot…” First thing first, keep in mind I didn’t even know if I would be selected as 1 of the 6 finalists, I made a plan of what I needed to do to have the best possible race experience and to transform my body to compete in the unfathomable heat that defined Kona. “KONA” – those 4 letters were all you ever had to utter and you immediately garnished the admiration of any triathlete. The transformation needed would be nothing short of miraculous as my body was poorly equipped for racing in extreme heat – inability to sweat on 1/3 of my body and inability to quit sweating on the other 2/3 of my body. Due to my severe burn scars (full burn story), body thermoregulation is a challenge to say the least, hence the urinating blood at my last race. As a lifetime athlete, I knew the only way to race competitively was to train in race conditions. Training I did; training as if I was a pro athlete racing for the $100,000 purse (full story).

It has been 2 1/2 years since I crossed the finish line in KONA. Those 10hrs 45min of pushing myself to the limit was more than just a race. It was living life to the fullest with no regrets. How many people can say that? How many people know what it’s like to achieve a life dream? You can and so can anyone. I was afforded the opportunity to realize a life dream because I was prepared… prepared to do what others were scared to do. Prepared to do whatever it took and not make excuses for why I couldn’t but instead focusing on reasons why I could. I prepared myself mentally and physically for over 4 years for the KONA experience with no assurances it would ever come to fruition. It was my preparation that enabled me to see an opportunity and take full advantage of it, never questioning or asking “what if I don’t win the contest, what if everyone thinks I’m crazy, what if colleagues think I’m neglecting my job responsibilities …” Good thing I didn’t because they did. People always question you when they’re personally scared to test themselves and their only rationality is that you’re obsessed or doing something you shouldn’t be doing. And to those people, this picture is worth a thousand words, at least a thousand.

ABOUT SHAY

Shay is an All American and World ranked triathlete, burn survivor with scars over 65% of his body and is a sought out national motivational speaker. Despite being told he’d never compete in sports again at the age of 8, Shay is living testament to “Anything is Possible”: 4x Ironman, 4x member of Team USA, ranked top 1% of Ironmen worldwide and has competed in 9 triathlon world championships, including the Ironman World Championships in Kona, Hawaii. His mantra has always been to not merely be a “finisher” but to be a “competitor.” If you enjoyed this article, I encourage you to check out my other posts.

I see a mansion of opportunity. The path to greatness

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Ever wonder how some people have the Midas touch – everything they touch turns to gold? It’s easy. They see things for what they can become, not what they are currently. We see what we want to see. What do you see in the picture above? An inner city house in dire need of some TLC? Perhaps the bars on the window made you aware if was not the best of neighborhoods.

Well, thankfully Eugene Brown, an ex-con-turned youth mentor, saw a mansion of opportunity that became the inspiration of the movie “Life of a King.” While incarcerated, Eugene learned the game of chess and its implications in life – Always think before you move! This dilapidated house served as the safe haven for his Big Chair Chess Club for at-risk inner city teens of Washington, DC and soon allowed these otherwise abandoned youth to realize they had an out. It was this house that developed Will Tahime, a chess prodigy with a drug addicted mother and her abusive boyfriends as role models.

Imagine if you approached every situation in life as an opportunity to do something others only dreamed of. Imagine if every life challenge was merely preparing you for something greater. Imagine if every setback and major disappointment in your life was a prerequisite for success. Would you view those situations differently? Would you make the most of those situations and continually ask yourself during those periods of struggle:

What am I learning? How will this prepare me for greater things?

My optimistic thinking has never led me stray. I always view every obstacle as a chance to grow, a chance to do something extraordinary, a chance to try something new and learn more about my fortitude.

I’m a believer it’s life’s biggest disappointments that present the greatest opportunities.

I am reminded of my own career path that left me and my family in dire straits. I was forced to relocate my family of 5 (3 kids under 5) because our neighborhood had become unsafe – shooting death, rapes (2) and numerous daytime break-ins. With no immediate in-state relocation option, we moved from Atlanta to Nashville to live with my mother-in-law who had 4 empty bedrooms. Trust me, this was not an ideal choice for a confident 36 year old male who prides himself on providing for his family. My employer agreed to support me during the relocation and building of a new market only to rescind the offer 2 months later. Our backs were against the wall: maxed out on credit cards, living paycheck to paycheck and overwhelmed with medical bills due to our new high deductible insurance plan. I’ve never been one to jump ship in pursuit of greener pastures, but this situation demanded I make a career change and a change I made (see article).

Within 2 years, I tripled my income and immediately established myself in a new industry. After the first 12 months, it became apparent to me that God had finally revealed his vocation for me – healthcare sales. The more I gave thanks for my blessings the more I realized he had been preparing me for this career all my life. It has been a crazy journey to say the least: bear trapper to private equity associate to CFO/co-owner of automotive distribution company to Multi-family real estate developer to Workers’ Comp insurance producer to Vice President for a Healthcare Revenue Cycle firm (Workers’ Comp reimbursement specialist). It would have been very easy to question my career path but I am one who believes opportunities are put in front of those who believe in themselves, take advantage of those opportunities and have the passion to endure the rocky roads. In hindsight, what better industry to make a career than one that had provided treatment to me for 32 years, receiving unfathomable care from strangers solely dedicated to helping me get back on my feet?

The frame of mind in which we evaluate life situations determines how we’ll react or not act. If you don’t believe me, research the scientific process RAS (reticular activating system) and how our brain can be programmed to channel more of what we want in life as opposed to what we don’t want. There is merit to the old adage of seeing the glass half full or half empty.

My glass is never half empty, it is always full.

Besides, what benefit is there to always seeing the glass half empty – depression, negativity, skepticism, and believing others are out to get you…

Guess what? If you truly believe that, your mind, and inadvertently your actions, will subconsciously reinforce that belief by magnifying the most minute of situations, truly making mountains out of every mole hill you encounter. As we know, perception is everything. To the contrary, imagine if you saw every obstacle as a chance to define your leadership. It is those who can lead in turbulent times that history remembers. Who doesn’t love the person at work who never complains and just somehow finds a way to get the job done? You can be that person but only if you choose to believe you have that ability to change the outcome of difficult situations.

ABOUT SHAY

Shay is an All American and World ranked triathlete, burn survivor with scars over 65% of his body and is a sought out national motivational speaker. Despite being told he’d never compete in sports again at the age of 8, Shay is living testament to “Anything is Possible”: 4x Ironman, 4x member of Team USA, ranked top 1% of Ironmen worldwide and has competed in 9 triathlon world championships, including the Ironman World Championships in Kona, Hawaii. His mantra has always been to not merely be a “finisher” but to be a “competitor.” If you enjoyed this article, I encourage you to check out my other posts.

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5 Steps to Confidence: From burn survivor to top 5% ranked Ironman Athlete

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One of the greatest gifts you can give a child or anyone for that matter is confidence. It’s not easily bestowed. It is acquired through years of experience, both successes and failures. I’m a believer there is no better life teacher than losing. Trust me, I’ve done my share of losing and absolutely hate it. I’m a gracious loser but I will go to any length to insure I don’t experience those feelings of coming up short. But one thing I learned early is that I’ll never be competitive in anything if I don’t believe in myself first. Adhering to the 5 steps to confidence building below, I have realized accomplishments that include All American designation, top 5% Ironman All World Athlete ranking, 4x Team USA Athlete as well as competing in over 7 world triathlon championship events.

5 Steps to Confidence

  1. Be able to envision yourself winning. Dreaming is the process of training your mind how to allow your body to do what needs to be done. Your dreams should be about running the last 6 miles at negative splits or catching the winning touchdown pass.
  2. Focus on being the best you can be and don’t compare yourself to others. We all have different skill sets and those skill sets have different uses in different stages of our life. Make the most of what you’ve got.
  3. Take care of the basics that will help you take advantage of your life dream when it presents itself. UCLA coaching legend John Wooden in his unprecedented 10 NCAA championships began every practice by teaching his athletes how to put on their socks and tie their shoes.
  4. Celebrate the journey. So many get caught up in pursing their goals and they completely miss the enjoyment of pushing their mind and body to the limits. The aches, pains, discomfort and euphoria from achieving new personal bests are indescribable.
  5. Always be able to laugh at yourself. You are going to make mistakes and people are always watching. If you can laugh at yourself, others will think nothing of it. If you can’t, life will be pretty miserable.

Starting at ground zero

Believing in myself is not something that came easily. As a burn survivor (full story link) with scars over 65% of my body, I had believed what strangers kept telling me on a daily basis – that I was a handicapped kid who would never lead a normal life, much less return to being a competitive athlete. All I had to do was look in the mirror every morning to be reminded of this reality. The reality was further imprinted in my head when I tried to lift my right arm, which was physically melted to my side for 3 years, and realized I couldn’t throw a ball or even write with my right hand to do homework. The severe scar tissue on my neck prevented me from holding my head upright and made turning my head to the left a subject of my bedtime prayers. With this harsh reality, confidence was not the first emotion running through my head but I knew things had to change if I ever wanted to be happy.

Prior to getting burned at 8, I was a good athlete. A fast runner with good head/eye coordination and the right balance of aggression, I was always one of the first picked for playground activities. After the injury, I was the absolute last, basically the kid the coach always positions where they can have the least impact on the game. To this day, I remember the lineup process at recess where the 2 captains started calling off name after name in order of preference of who they wanted on their team. My selection was always an implied ‘I guess we have no other options, we’ll take Shay.’ Being the last pick, I always told myself ‘now is your chance to prove them wrong. Show them they made a mistake.’ But unfortunately, with my physical limitations and still inner belief that I wasn’t of equal skill, I lived up to their expectations – dropping the pass with no one even covering me or kicking the ball to the pitcher for an easy groundout. Confidence? What is that? Definitely not something a burn survivor who could barely dress himself possessed… at least for now.

Over the next 3 years I underwent over 10 additional surgeries and countless hours of physical therapy to allow me to almost regain full use of my right arm and neck. It was then, now a 5th grader, the power of CONFIDENCE began to grow in me. I was introduced to wrestling, a sport where I would be competing against fellow athletes of the same size and age – mano a mano, toughest man/boy wins. No timeouts to stop the clock and slow down your competitor’s momentum. No teammates to protect you when your competitor has you on your back. You’re on an island all alone and there’s only one way out – fight with everything you got!

I instantly fell in love with the sport. I had a platform to prove I was not handicapped, but to the contrary, I was a competitive athlete. I use the term ‘athlete’ loosely as I have never considered myself an athlete.

I am not a great athlete but I am one hell of a competitor.

As I began to rack up victory after victory, I realized I had what it took all along to be a competitive athlete, the will to overcome. Buried beneath all those layers of scars was a fire that had been stoked. All I had to do was believe in myself – and focus on doing the small things every day to enhance my abilities. I had a very successful wrestling career in high school but more importantly it gave me the confidence to attack any situation with ferocity and complete abandonment of the fear of failure.

I leveraged this new found CONFIDENCE into my career and Ironman triathlon competitions. In just 6 years, I earned a top 5% Ironman All World Athlete ranking and multiple All American designations. How did I do this? Was it superior genetics? Not at all. If you consider the fact I can’t sweat on 1/3 of my body, prone to severe dehydration, arthritis in both knees, plate and 7 screws in my left leg, missing 1” of cartilage in my right knee and 2 torn rotator cuffs, I am hardly the ideal prototype.

It was the belief that ‘I could’ and the drive to prove ‘I will.’

It all starts with believing with all your heart that you can and then doing the small things to prepare you for achieving your dreams.

ABOUT SHAY

Shay is an All American and World ranked triathlete, burn survivor with scars over 65% of his body and is a sought out national motivational speaker. Despite being told he’d never compete in sports again at the age of 8, Shay is living testament to “Anything is Possible”: 4x Ironman, 4x member of Team USA, ranked top 1% of Ironmen worldwide and has competed in 9 triathlon world championships, including the Ironman World Championships in Kona, Hawaii. His mantra has always been to not merely be a “finisher” but to be a “competitor.” If you enjoyed this article, I encourage you to check out my other posts.

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A Breast Implant in my neck?

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As a man, I thought I’d never have to consider having a breast implant put in my body, much less in my neck. Leave it to modern medicine to change that notion. Breast implants are essentially tissue expanders, silicone balloon like devices inserted under the skin to stretch and grow new skin. Tissue expanders are most commonly known for breast reconstruction, but they have also gained popularity for use in burn survivors. As a burn survivor, this concept was advocated in 1989 for the treatment and remedy of the severe scar contractures in my neck. The belief was a sizable tissue expander (insert breast implant) would be inserted under my unburned skin on the left side of my neck. Over a period of 2 months the tissue expander would be inflated to full capacity, basically a softball projecting from my neck (see sample pic below). After the expander was fully inflated, it was believed it could be removed and the excess skin could be stretched to the right side of neck, thus allowing for the removal of about 7” of restrictive burn scar tissue.

This methodology had achieved miraculous results in other burn survivors. I distinctly remember seeing one kid who had 2 of these, though little smaller in size, inserted in the top of his head. Lucky or unlucky for him the location of these expanders made him resemble Mickey Mouse once fully inflated. For this particular kid, they were able to replace 4” of his scalp that was ridden with burn scars with fully normal skin. When finished, he had a normal hair line again. Utterly amazing. There were other comparable success stories that made this procedure seem like a perfect fit for me. One thing that couldn’t be predicted was my skin’s inelasticity and keloid scarring.

The Procedure

Inserting the tissue expander required the surgeon to cut me from ear to ear and then back to my left clavicle – basically a large sideways V across my entire neck. The expander was positioned directly in the center of the left side of my neck with a port buried under the skin beneath my left ear. The port was where they would insert a syringe and inject salt water in the expander every week. The resulting incision scar rivaled those of Frankenstein. You can only imagine the stares I received returning to high school, a freshman at that. It was almost comical the stories that circulated. The best was probably the story of me riding a motorcycle in a pasture and accidentally running into a barbed wire fence. Story has it that my head was almost severed from my neck but by some miracle I was able to hold it together and ride back to safety. I’m not sure how the story was propagated but I could have had some influence.

Over the years, I have learned you need to embrace your shortcomings and be able to laugh at yourself. If you can’t laugh at yourself, life will be pretty miserable.

Over the next 8 weeks, I would go to a plastic surgeon and have him insert copious amounts of salt water into the tissue expander. Each time, the expander was inflated to the point of discomfort and borderline unmanageable, feeling like my skin was going to explode at any minute. After a couple of days, the skin would stretch and the discomfort would go away just in time to have the next series of injections. I endured this routine for 8 weeks. Besides the pain of having a balloon stretching your neck, I also had to be careful not to do anything that would cause the expander to bust – i.e. wrestling with friends, falling down riding my bike or getting hit with a basketball. Busting a tissue expander is not a common phenomenon but there were stories of them breaking and the fragmented pieces being circulated in the body – one such incident required open heart surgery to remove from a patient’s heart. Surprisingly and obviously not my brightest decision in life, I would often play basketball during our lunch recess thinking I was safe since all I was going to do was post up and take a few shots. That careless thinking came to end after a ball was deflected and hit me square in the neck. I remember going home that afternoon, obviously not saying a word to my parents of my stupidity, and thinking the expander would start leaking fluid into my body while I slept, making the surgery a complete failure. Luckily God was just reminding me of my stupidity and gave me a 2nd chance. As a kid who has underwent many a surgery, the hardest part of recovery has always been refraining from physical activity. I think my inability to sit still as an adult is a direct result of being told as a kid for months on end that I couldn’t do anything. If you’re like me, tell me I can’t do something and I want to do it even more. Fortunately, it seems my kids have inherited that trait as well.

Right or wrong, the inability to be distracted from what you want in life is something I think everyone should pursue. I call that PASSION.

It’s all about perspective

Life is so interesting. Everything is always a matter of perspective and I think we should remind ourselves more often. As some of my friends say, many of our problems are ‘first world problems.’ My peers were worried about pimples, bad hair or their feet looking too big and here I had a softball protruding from my neck. Needless to say, everywhere I went people stared and did double takes. Let’s be honest, it’s not every day you see a big softball sticking out of someone’s neck. I could tell many people were confused and unable to process what they were seeing. I had to keep reminding myself it was temporary and the long term benefit far outweighed the pain and discomfort – or so I thought.

After 2 months of pure misery and constant anticipation of enjoying a life without the scars limiting my neck mobility, the day finally came. I had envisioned in my head what it would look like with normal skin on both sides of my neck. I had envisioned being able to turn my head in both directions without my right eye and mouth pulling down. I envisioned being able to hear again out of my right ear when I turned my head to the left. In hindsight, perhaps the surgeon should have given me more tempered expectations but if he had I’m not so sure I would have agreed to the procedure. This was truly sold as a life changing event as it had been for so many other burn survivors. I saw the lives of those who were transformed and knew there’s a risk to any surgery.

Unfortunately, the surgery and overall procedure was not as successful as what they anticipated. It was estimated roughly 7” of scar tissue could be removed from my neck. Instead, less than 2” was removed. The surgeon was baffled at my skin’s inelasticity. There were no complications during the surgery and all the injections/inflation of the expander were performed as scheduled. In short, we were left with a medical mystery. No one could explain why my skin didn’t stretch like everyone else. Some things in life just can’t be explained or predicted and that was what I was left with. All in all, I was now left with a permanent scar that went from ear to ear and back to my clavicle with no distinguishable improvement in the mobility of my neck. And let’s not forget that I keloid, meaning the incision scar thickened to 1/2” and was bright red for several years. As a far as any doctor was concerned, the procedure was a failure and those were 10 weeks of my high school freshman year that I will never get back.

The Next Chapter

After the final sutures were removed, I assessed my new reality and tried in vain to make sense of the situation. As previously mentioned, this wasn’t the first time a surgery didn’t go as planned. Basically, the burn scars on my neck looked the same, excluding the addition of the new scar which now looked like someone tried to cut my throat, and I had still had the same limitation of mobility. If I was in a gang, this new scar would be perfect and I’d for sure have street cred. No doubt I could easily circulate stories of a knife fight that left one man standing (me). However, I was just a 15 year old high school freshman trying to find his way in the world and resume a life of normalcy, or at least normal for me. The more I prayed and contemplated the inevitability of my situation, the more I realized some things are just out of my control and some things just don’t work out no matter how hard you try. That doesn’t mean you don’t try again or curse the system. You just accept the outcome and chalk it up to a learning experience. I’ve done a lot of learning in my years and I truly believe God has used these experiences to strengthen my fortitude and to not focus on the superficial things in life.

Eventually, you build your self-confidence around being the best version of yourself and ignore the naysayers who are always looking to tear people down. You also learn as tough as things may seem, someone else always has it worse and yet they still find a way and the willpower to be successful.

There is another silver lining in this story. The surgeon gave me the tissue expander (breast implant) as a souvenir. What else would a 15 year old boy do but take it to school and show it off to his friends? I can safely say that no one else had one of these to pass around at lunch. As always, thankful for the memory.

ABOUT SHAY

Shay is an All American and World ranked triathlete, burn survivor with scars over 65% of his body and is a sought out national motivational speaker. Despite being told he’d never compete in sports again at the age of 8, Shay is living testament to “Anything is Possible”: 4x Ironman, 4x member of Team USA, ranked top 1% of Ironmen worldwide and has competed in 9 triathlon world championships, including the Ironman World Championships in Kona, Hawaii. His mantra has always been to not merely be a “finisher” but to be a “competitor.” If you enjoyed this article, I encourage you to check out my other posts.

Waking up from surgery to discover doctor performed the wrong procedure

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Imagine waiting 15 years for a life changing surgery only to awaken and realize the doctor performed a completely different surgery than you consented to. Then, imagine the surgery is your worst nightmare… undoing 15 years of progress, leaving you with scars on your body that previously were unscarred. I can not only imagine, I lived it, and it was one of the worst feelings I’ve experienced in my life. It was a complete violation of my trust, my belief in everything sacred I held for surgeons and a destruction in the belief my scars would ever get better.

With over 30 surgeries to my credit, I feel like I’ve experienced it all. I’ve had my fair share of complications but I have always accepted them as an inherent medical risk. In each situation, I knew the surgeon did the best he could and was executing our mutually agreed procedure. I had not only accepted Murphy’s Law as being the rule for me, I had learned to embrace it.

Burn surgeries are known for complications and high rates of infection.

In the past, I had willingly accepted the outcome of losing 3 skin grafts to infection. I had accepted my fate when gangrene set in and eventually necessitated the removal of my right ear. I had accepted the outcome when my surgeon accidentally harvested too much skin from the top of my legs, essentially making them a 3rd degree burn, and had to harvest skin from the bottom of my thighs to repair the top of my thighs. I even accepted the impossible when a 4” x 8” full thickness skin graft was harvested from my abdomen and shrank 65% once inserted into my neck (statistically it would only shrink 5-10%). The healing of my body has always defied the laws of medicine and I make every surgeon aware of my history prior to undergoing new surgeries.

I’m growing but my burn skin won’t grow with me

What most people don’t know is burn scars don’t grow when you grow. The scars have limited elasticity and mine in particular were impacting my hearing and pulling down the right corner of my mouth and eye. It was manageable pain but something that was getting worse with the passing of each day and something that needed to be addressed while my insurance was still willing to treat the condition as a “medical necessity”. Previously the impact of growth was so substantial that my right arm was 2” smaller than my left arm, requiring a skin graft 3” x 10” to be harvested from my hip.

It was 1999 and I was finishing my 2nd year of MBA. I had spent the last 2 years methodically interviewing surgeons around the country in person to determine who I felt could deliver the best solution to improve my situation. As you might imagine, despite all of them looking at the same scars and doing the same evaluation, no 2 surgeons offered the same solution. Surprisingly, some were in direct contrast to each other. One surgeon went so far as to say,

if you have the tissue expander put in your neck as Dr. XXXX recommends, it will severely impact your breathing and put you at major risk.

That’s the challenge of burn scars. They are the hardest trauma to fix and everyone’s body responds differently.

As I finished my nationwide search, I relied on my personal experience over the last 15+ years to conclude the simplest solution is usually the best. I opted to have a section of skin, roughly 4” x 8”, to be harvested from my thigh and stapled into my neck, similar to what had been done in 1995 (sample image below). Almost all of the skin had already been harvested from both legs over the past 15 years but surprisingly I personally had great results with reharvested skin grafts.

Impact of the medical battery

Immediately awakening from the surgery I knew something was wrong. My back and my buttocks were in extreme pain, which was strange considering they were not even remotely associated with the consented surgery or ever even discussed. These were the only 2 areas on my body that were still virgin skin – unburned and intentionally not used in previous skin grafts. Over the years, many surgeons had mentioned using my buttocks for a full thickness skin graft to my face – it was soft, unscarred and supposedly the pigmentation of your buttocks is the closest to your face. I repeatedly refused these suggestions knowing I would never be comfortable knowing part of my butt would now be part of my face. Call me crazy, although most would never know, there was nothing appealing about skin from my butt being on my face – one can only imagine how much fun my fraternity brothers would have with this one. Let’s be honest, your face is the first thing people see and would you be comfortable with a large portion of your butt being on your face? The reality of my situation was only telling considering I had called my little sister “butthead” the first 3 years of her life and convinced her that was her name.

As I began to regain mental clarity, I requested to see my surgeon only to be notified he would not be available as he was on vacation fishing for the next 5 days. However, the nurse felt a phone call with the Dr could be arranged when he called in tomorrow morning. How could this be? In all my years the surgeon has always visited me the day after an operation to make sure everything went smoothly and no questions. The harsh reality began to set in, the nightmare was only beginning.

I will never forget the pain I experienced when I tried to sit up in the hospital bed. There was an intense knifing sensation of pain radiating from my buttocks and back. It literally felt as if the skin was ripping apart. It was then the attending nurse informed me that I needed to remain on my left side as large sections of skin grafts had been harvested from the entire right half of my back and the entire right side of my buttocks. The extreme tugging sensation now made sense as she explained the dressing on these areas were actually stapled into my skin. The sensation of skin ripping in my back and buttocks as I moved were not just sensations, they were actual skin ripping – creating 1/2” gashes in several spots on my back.

The next day I was finally able to talk with the surgeon. I’m not a violent person, but my head was filled with thoughts of anger and rage as I kept saying to myself how nice of him to take time away from his fishing trip to discuss why he changed the surgery while I was asleep without asking me or my mom who was waiting anxiously outside the OR. I played the conversation in my head 1000 times. Would I just start yelling at him and ask,

what the hell did you do and are you freaking crazy, who in their right mind would do this?

Would I threaten legal action and yell repeatedly,

you’ll pay for this and you’ll regret the day you f***ed me and left town?

Or, would I calmly ask him to explain what he did, and why, and try to keep my emotions out of it. I decided on the latter as my temper has never resolved matters in the past and usually prevented me from getting what I really wanted – the real answer. As calmly as I could, with pain increasing my voice inflexion, I asked my questions and bit my tongue as best as I could as he rambled through his explanation. It was obvious he sensed my anger and overall disapproval of his actions. Without saying I’m sorry or even offering a hint of an apology, he admitted once I was on the operating table, sedated and he could examine my scars in their full majesty, he felt using the virgin skin from my buttocks was the best option for my neck and would give me the best long term benefit. Consistent with what I had told other surgeons over the years, I never doubted that using skin from my buttocks was a viable option. However, I had intentionally chosen not to use it knowing it would always be an option when I was ready. I also held out hope there would be a procedure in the future where using buttocks skin would completely replace all the burn scars from my face (this had been mentioned by other surgeons but they had said to wait as well). Equally frustrated, I asked why did he remove the skin from my back and staple it into my armpit, especially since we never even vaguely discussed my arm being an issue. He reverted back to his story that once I was on the operating table and he was able to fully assess the contractures on my arm, he felt the procedure he did offered the best long term solution.

Road to recovery

Returning to grad school was a challenge to say the least. Essentially, I had two large scabs covering half my back and half my buttocks. Every small movement from a twisting of the back to sitting in a chair to bending over to tie my shoes to grabbing a backpack or even just walking, caused the scabs to rip and start bleeding. When I would sit down in the classroom desks, the large scabs on my back and buttocks would crack open, bleed through my clothes and then bleed again when I stood up because the clothes had dried to the scab. After a couple of days of bleeding through all my shirts, I decided to never put my back against the chair, limiting the bleeding to only my buttocks. It was a nightmare to say the least. To make matters worse, I was also working 30hrs a week at a venture capital firm in hopes of securing a permanent position upon graduation. I managed to keep up with my work responsibilities in the hospital and couldn’t afford to squander this great career opportunity once I returned back to campus. To prevent the chance of impairing my driving, I delayed taking pain medication several hours, and sometimes not at all on days I was working only 4 hours or less.

I registered for campus escorts to class when I first returned to campus but abandoned them after the first day realizing the shuttle service was not timely. Instead, I rode my bicycle and learned to just take the pain and picked a route that minimized pedaling and pot holes. As the weeks amassed into a month, the scabs were finally healed and my daily actions were no longer limited. However, the new scars did not fade and were a daily reminder of that tragic day when my trust was stolen.

Where am I today

One thing I have learned over the years is that people will let you down. Some will do it intentionally and some do it even though they had the best intentions in the world. Luckily and by the grace of God, after 3 years of wrestling with this life changing event, I was able to put the past behind me and restore my belief in tomorrow being a better version of today. I have forgiven the doctor and harbor no ill will against him. I also pray he is not burdened by the years of hardship he put me through. I guess I really should thank him for the idea he cemented in my head that,

I need to continually focus on what I’ve gained in life as opposed to what I’ve lost.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve lost a lot but I have definitely been given way more than I deserve. Who knows, but without this tragic event, I may not be married with a beautiful wife and 5 healthy kids.

ABOUT SHAY

Shay is an All American and World ranked triathlete, burn survivor with scars over 65% of his body and is a sought out national motivational speaker. Despite being told he’d never compete in sports again at the age of 8, Shay is living testament to “Anything is Possible”: 4x Ironman, 4x member of Team USA, ranked top 1% of Ironmen worldwide and has competed in 9 triathlon world championships, including the Ironman World Championships in Kona, Hawaii. His mantra has always been to not merely be a “finisher” but to be a “competitor.” If you enjoyed this article, I encourage you to check out my other posts.